This is my post for today’s Writing 2201 Poetry assignment. The required them is ‘Fog, and is is an Elegy which is meant to include metaphor. I think I slipped up a bit on the metaphor today. While I initially wanted to fulfil the requirement, I felt that it was a story which required a simple tone. I’ll try to make up for my omission in a later poem.
I haven’t written anything like this for a while If it fails to impress, a can only apologise. Perhaps it is a good poem, or perhaps it belongs in the bin. I will have no idea unless you tell me.
“Oh Mummy the fields are so fragrant today
a warm breeze ruffles the fresh-cut hay
and caresses my face as I’m laying in bed
it’s a new-born day oh Mummy,” she said
“Oh mummy the church bells are chiming for me
I can hear the notes as clear as can be
my heart’s full of feathers, I’ve smiles in my head
it’s a lovely day oh Mummy,” she said.
“Oh Mummy I’ve got almost everything here
music and sunshine fill me with cheer
but I feel a little lonely as I lie in this bed
oh Mummy I want my doll,” she said
All around me the kindness of sweet bouquets
with fragrance drawn out by summer haze
cluttered the room around the hospital bed
“Oh Mummy I want to get up,” she said
Through shrivelling misery I held my smile
and gently suggested that she rest awhile
at the sound of my voice her eyes filled with dread
“What have you done with my Mummy,” she said
Shaking she drew the sheet over her chest
a frightened beast with a terrifying guest
gnarled claw clutching her grey downed head
“Grandma, I wish you knew me,” I said
As I backed far away to allay her fears
my throat constricted with unshed tears
while a nurse slipped in with silent tread
“I can take over now,” she said
As I left the room I heard grandma say
“Who was that lady who came today?
where is my Mummy? Where is my doll?”
and she spoke to the tune of the church bell’s toll.
© Jane Paterson Basil
Don’t oppologise. Great one, full of emotions.
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Thank you – that is such a relief!
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Great. Touching.
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Thank you Marius. Is that your real name? It’s good – it sounds successful, like that of a best-selling author, or successful film producer.
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I am so touched by your elegy. My mother began to experience dementia but not to the point that she didn’t know me–except for a few times she thought I was someone else. It really is beautiful. I’m glad you posted it.
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Thank you. So am I, now. It’s a blessing that it didn’t reach that stage with your mother, but terribly sad to slowly lose the person who gave you life, in such a way.
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How true.
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Another incredible poem that speaks to the heart! And I think you fulfilled today’s assignment beautifully. Your couplets have the same rhythm as the examples that I looked up, and your poem is definitely elegy. Kudos!!
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You are one of the people I was particularly thanking in my post to Writing 201, but I thank you again. xx
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You’re welcome, and thank you… t’s not too hard to be supportive of such wonderful work!
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I really liked it. I liked the twist because I first thought you were talking a bout the loss of a child and then realized the loss was dementia. No need to apologize.
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Thank you. I’m always doing that sort of thing. Aren’t I naughty! – and totally unapologetic.
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Keep it up. 🙂
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wow such suspense to know this woman who needed her doll and so much more…(if only she could remember seemed to be the least of her worries)
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I thought it was lovely and while it was sad that she had dementia I was grateful as a reader that she wasn’t a child. Superb twist
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Thank you. I liked the idea of suggesting a dying child, and then giving readers the slightly less sad truth.
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While I was reading this, it came to me as a song. The pace is so sing-song and lovely.
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Thank you. Recently I have been very focused on the rhythm of my words ,and it must be paying off. Maybe I’ll see if my grandson will set it to music – he’s a musician, although most of his work is rap. His style inspired yesterday’s concrete poem, which is possibly better than this one.
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Very touching, and a nice twist, as at first, I thought the voice was that of a child. Having sat with a parent during their final days, who was sometimes in the hear and now, and occasionally back in the South Pacific during WWII, I could really identify with your subject matter. One small suggestion, if you had capitalized ‘Mummy’, I wouldn’t have envisioned being in ancient Egypt for a brief moment there at the beginning 🙂
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Thank you for that for your kind words.
You have a point about Mummy. I was sleep deprived when I wrote the poem – hadn’t been to bed for 36 hours when I started it! It’s a bad habit of mine.
I’ll go and edit it now.
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Totally convincing and eloquent, a lovely piece of poetry.
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Thank you for that reassurance. I’m still noy completely happy with it though – it’s not my style.
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beautiful
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Thank you Sirena… You wouldn’t say that unless you meant it, would you? I have high regard for your opinion, and i would really like to know it if the word ‘beautiful’ translates to ‘very nice but…’ or ‘repulsively sentimental’ or similar.
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Such imagery! At first I thought it was a mother reviewing losing a child who was talking to her from death. Then I got the idea it was a young woman and her grandma. You really pulled me in. I read some of your other work. You’ve been practicing!
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Thank you. I like to pull grandmas out of hats now and again.
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Jane, that’s a kicker! Love your imagery (feather in her heart? beautiful). Starts off so light, so airy. Then the moment with the grey hair comes and it’s like a punch to the chest. Very powerful.
Have you read ‘Elizabeth is missing’ by Emma Healey? A mystery told through the eyes of a woman with dementia- heartbreakingly great.
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Thank you! It’s so lovely to be surrounded by poets. I’ve come home at last.
I’ll find that and read it. I love the title already. xx
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Very sad for the loved ones but I believe that for the person with Alzheimer’s its a different reality that is not necessarily unpleasant…….xox 💗
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Maybe I write something from the other point of view…. But you know me – I just love to record the weeping and wailing xxx
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I love the line “my heart’s full of feathers, I’ve smiles in my head” – so simple and sweet, like a child. Lovely.
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Thank you. I think maybe that’s my favourite line, too. I tend to write about painful subjects, so when i come up with something like that it warms me.
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That’s very good.
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Thanks. I wasn’t sure about it – not my usual style.
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I really think you nailed the elegy format. Great use of repetition as well.
Great job.
Hugs to you for having lived through the experience tho.
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Thank you, though i have to shamefully admit that this was one of my comparitively rare works of fiction. I have no experience of dementia.
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