In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “In Loving Memory.”

WordPress’s Daily Prompt today asks us to write our own obituary. I thought it would be fun, so here it is:

BeFunky_funeral.jpg

She was a nice enough woman, but so stupid! She never listened, or if she did, she always did the opposite of what was recommended.

When, at the age of four, her mother told her she would be sick if didn’t stop eating those un-ripe blackberries, she kept eating them and was, indeed, sick, for two days.

At six years old, somebody foolishly gave her chewing gum for the first time, and she was playing with it, fascinated by the way it stretched. Her mother got the strange impression that she was about to wrap it around her neck, and told her not to, because it woould stick like glue and have to be scrubbed off. Nothing could have been further from her mind – until it was mentioned. Her mother was right; it did have to be scrubbed off, and cut out of her hair.

Then there was the occasion when she was advised not too get in the highchair, because she was too big, and she would get stuck – her little sister had to learn to sit at the table with the rest of the family, because the highchair was too damaged to repair.

Fortunately the baby clothes were too stained to be used by the time she put them on, but her mother accidentally scratched her with the scissors while she was cutting them off.

Even as an adult she tended to ignore sensible advice. There was the time she found that bottle full of an un-named fluid in the garage, and her mother-in-law warned her just as she was about to take a sniff of it. She ended up flat on her back on the floor that time.

Then there was the lipstick that she happened to find two hours before her niece’s wedding – well, I suppose the incident was partly down to the celebratery pre-wedding drink – she was warned not to do it, but she thought it would be funny to use it as rouge, planning to clean it up before the ceremony. She didn’t believe the words emblazened on the tube which claimed that it would stay onfor 24 hours. She sat through the wedding with her hands over her cheeks, covering a scarlet blush that wasn’t entirely natural.

So when it was carefully suggested that she needed to switch the electricity off before connecting the new cooker, and that, anyway, she should leave it to an expert to do, nobody was particularly surprised.

Still, it all came out OK in the end: it just happened that the undertaker happened to be an electrician, and he, most kindly, came round and wired the cooker in at no extra charge, so we were able to cook a decent evening meal.

© Jane Paterson Basil

19 thoughts on “In Loving Memory

  1. I was laughing through all your sentences here on this post. I am not as funny as you. I have only chosen the pieces of classical music for my funeral as I would like to share my music taste with my grown up children

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you found it funny. I think humour is essential. Thank you.
      I need to make decisions about my funeral. I want my family be as OK as they can be when I die, and having instructions to carry out really helps. I’ll feel better about it if I have made the right provisions. The right music is important. I am a big Leonard Cohen fan, and some people find his music depressing for some reason.

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      1. I like his voice and poems very much too. It’s difficult to think about one’s own funeral. I wish I had something to say, but I am blank. We have made a will which is registered at solicitor

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, it is difficult, but my difficulty is not that I find it depressing, but I simply lose interest as soon as I try to focus on it. Maybe that’s because I won’t be consciously ‘there’.

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  2. I LOVED the part about the chewing gum. The whole thing was petty bloomin’ funny. Obits would be a lot more fun to read if they were written like that. Sure would get more of the personality. Kind of like writing an About page.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The terrible thing is that it’s all true, except for the bit about the cooker!
      My comedic hero Spike Milligan, years ago, said that he wanted to have the words “I told you I was ill” on his headstone. When he finally became ill and died his wish was granted.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Now there’s something to write about! What do you want on your tombstone (yes, I live in the old west and they still refer to like there here, lol)? I’ve had mine figured out for awhile. “Here lies Calen who was so busy regretting the past and worrying about the future that she forgot to live in the present.”

        Liked by 1 person

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