How it Felt

Ten thousand night terrors
      concentrated
            into
                one 
   
                    moment
 
                       one
                        eternal
                         s t r e t c h e d - o u t
                         moment
                        when I found you
 
                     grey
 
                 still
 
               silent
 
               before your
                last
                  exhalation
                      of
                         air
 
                            when
                            it
                          left
                        your
                      lungs
                     it was
                     like
                       a
                         final
 
                             escape
 
                           that culmination
                    of ten thousand night terrors
               was filled with lifetimes of grief at my loss
 
        that
     moment
 
  that dread eternal instant
 
then adrenalin drove me to action:
a message surged into my brain
demanding that you live again
I needed you to be alive
I needed you to survive

heroin was the heartless whore
that held you in her needled claw
and though I feared her murderous might
I wouldn't let her win this fight
the weight of my love gave a beat to your heart
as I gave you the massage of life
and matching my pulse was the chant in my head
you can't be dead you can't be dead
my body became a machine for survival
rhythmically working for your revival
 
and when the paramedics came
 and tagged me in my desperate game
  they had to fight heroically
    to finalise recovery
 
          after
            that night
              the
              terrors
             amplified
         extended outwards
 
to become the core and the crust of my existence

© Jane Paterson Basil