Urine on the Floor


there’s urine on my floor, oh, there’s urine on my floor
I’m sure my landlord knows that there is urine on my floor.

in the nice airy bedroom they scrapped the smelly carpet
so they could speedily place the flat back on the market
they gave the woodchip floor a scrubby dubby clean
but there’s a stinky stonky smell of a dirty latrine
I’ve tried several liquids and powders and sprays
opened windows and door and aired it for days
but in spite of my efforts the odour returns
smelling strongly of urine and sweetness in turns

so this is the score: there’s urine on my floor
oh what am I to do about the urine on my floor?

I complained to the landlords and they sent me a man
with dark hair and good looks and a rather nice tan
who said that the stain was from coffee or tea
and gave the floor another good clean for me
when he left me my flat smelled fresh and fragrant
but the next day it stank like an unwashed vagrant
it pained me to know I was still on square one
and that nothing at all useful had yet been done

close the bedroom door, there’s urine on my floor
oh what am I to do about the urine on my floor?

the care supervisor discovered my plight
and angrily agreed that it just wasn’t right
the floor must be lifted as quickly as can be
and she made an insistant phone call for me
I waited several days for a communication
then rang them to state my indignation
I elicited a vow that come what may
I would have a result by the end of the day

war! war! war! there’s urine on my floor
oh what am I to do about the urine on my floor?

though day turned to evening no call was received
I felt let down, deflated and evily decieved
I hadn’t even slept in my new bedroom yet
I was paying my rent but no rights did I get
when I rang them back I gave it my all
and a time was agreed for the surveyor to call
I waited all morning and I filled my time
by beginning to pen this articulate rhyme

don’t want no more of this urine on my floor
oh what am I to do about the urine on my floor?

he turned up late and with worry in his eyes
he said “these floorboards aren’t a standard size
I have a nasty feeling that they’re tongue-and-groove
I believe they’ll be a bit of a problem to remove”
well, I want a bedroom so I made a suggestion
“would sealing it with glue be out of the question?”
he flashed a look of relief and gave me a smile
“what a good idea! We will do it in a while”

oh what a bore, there’s stale urine on my floor
oh what am I to do about the urine on my floor

with a hey and a ho and a nonnny nonny no
what am I to do about the urine on the floor?

© Jane Paterson Basil


8 thoughts on “Urine on the Floor

    1. PVA glue will make a waterproof coating over the polluted wood, like a plastic coat. It’s not really the answer, but the surveyer is expected to watch the budget. I don’t really care – I just want a bedroom to sleep in. In the past I’d have dealt with it myself, but my friends said that I should make the landlord do it. I wish I had just got on with it. I’ve always been independant, and now I remember why.


    1. Ha! Thanks for the vote. I don’t think it went down very well, even though I deliberately avoided calling it piss, as I normally would. I’ll sell you the rights to it. My price is a poem which you have to title ‘Diced carrot and gastric juices in my hair.”

      Urine Idiot – I like it.

      Liked by 1 person

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