Survival

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I want to
sleep and I
want to live and
I want to feel well
and I don’t want my
brain to be in
crisis and I don’t
want to feel
tired and faint
and I
don’t want these
strange electric shocks
that course through my body and
make me shake
but
discomfort and fear
loom large in
my head and so many
memories of so many
dead who were
still almost children
parade past my face
and I want them back
in this life with
their families
and I
want my children freed
from addiction
so that they will be well
and not die prematurely
and I don’t want to be
the next grieving
mother and I
want it all to

stop.

but tomorrow I’ll
wake to a bright new
morning and I’ll hide
all the horrors
beyond my vision
I’ll be perky and
jokey and you won’t
remember that I’m
not really brave
I’m just
trying to
survive

© Jane Paterson Basil

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21 thoughts on “Survival

  1. “I don’t want to be the next grieving mother…”

    Have you examined why your thoughts and feelings have taken a turn in this direction the last few days? If you want to talk, I’m always around. You can email me any time, girlfriend. Don’t let this miasma envelop you too long before you sort it all out. Please?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes pretending to be brave can hep you feel actually braver – a little 🙂
    Hope you stay feeling more positive, though I know these things come in waves. Thinking of you, lovely X

    Liked by 1 person

            1. It seems to be working that way, and although it doesn’t get rid of the horror of seeing the horrific creature that my daughter has become, it gets my mind off it, as long as I don’t write about her. s
              So maybe I should drop the subject.

              Liked by 1 person

      1. I know that feeling. But it’s good when it wipes you out, that’s you unloading something that was making you sick inside. Unloading will make it easier to breathe.

        Liked by 1 person

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