I Write Like Shakespeare?

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I got back to my blog today after a few days in a technological no-man’s land, to find quite a few messages, including at least one from a blogger called Marge, who has a lovely smile and whose site is well worth a visit. When I went over there I found a fun link to a tool which analyses writing, telling us what famous author our style approximates!

I duly clicked on the link and followed the instructions. All I had to do was to copy and paste something I had written, so I chose this:

No longer Human

you’ve not hurt me today so you take your chance
and you step through the door with a flickering glance
and you’re stirring the air with historic deceits
dragging bags of tatters and tooth-rotting treats
you drop and spill your dirt over the floor
the pills the needles syringes and more
and I hope that you’re in a cognitive mood
at the first chance I get I will offer you food
because if you don’t want it I know I’m in trouble
and all that you want is to burst my bubble
you always look like you think you are right
as you shout in my face and you try for a fight
and you always know how best to succeed
and all you want is to make my brain bleed
so you shout and you scream accusations at me
and I can’t be heard as I enter my plea
of innocent with proof in the shape of my heart
as your screams increase as soon as I start
and I pull out all of my tools of prevention
to persuade you to cease this game of contention
but there’s no comprehension and no suspension
from this seemingly endless inane invention
your angry anarchic attack on convention
and I know that there’s no mis-apprehension
as you play dangerous games with my heart-rate
with your nickel-plate nonsense you love to mis-state
the truth of each story with lies that inflate
as you warm at the sight of the damage to date
your success in the bid to bring me this low
then I finally manage to tell you to go
and I see the delight writ clear on your face
and you step up the mind-numbing torture a pace
to force me to push you out of the door
because I can’t take it for one second more.

Some of you may remember it as my first concrete poem, looking like this.

The tool works almost as soon as you click “Analyse”, and it came back with the claim that I write like William Shakespeare. There’s a badge that I could have taken away, except that it didn’t work for me

Now, if I was really good, I could paraphrase this poem in Shakespearian lingo.

I’m not even going to try.

But for all of you people who want to be immortal, I’m thinking of taking commissions for bespoke poetry. See, Old Will wrote several poems to particular women, claiming that his words gave them immortality. To put it in his words (these are the last six lines of his sonnet, Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

If you don’t get what he’s talking about, and haven’t already seen my paraphrasing of this poem, this is what he means:

I don’t reckon you’ll ever get old.
or ugly
an’ you’re not goin’ to die
‘cos, like, I’ve written this poem about you
as long as there are people about
They’ll read this poem, so you’ll be, like, alive still.

As you see, I have held fast to the style of the Immortal Bard, but changed a few words to make it clearer.

So that’s about it really. You sling me a few thousand quid and I make you immortal.

Oh, come on, be fair. The Devil’s price is your soul, and then he tricks you out of whatever he promised you. Would I do that?

I reckon it’s a bargain.

<><><><><><>

Special Introductory Offer!!!
This Week Only!!!
2 immortalities for the price of 1!!!
Would Normally Cost
£10,000 sterling for One!!!
But
This Week Only
Only £10,000 sterling for 2!!!
YES!!!
2!!!
Remember
This Week Only!!!
Remember!!!
*No need to check the small print!!!

<><><><><><>

*Immortality guarantee is non-transferable. It expires if you die.

Finally, I found another fun tool myself. It quickly finds anagrams for your name. I also has a load of anagrams on the William Shakespeare theme.

©Jane Paterson Basil

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