Sinking, but never sunk

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I write the history
of the mire which is my life
the ten digits at the end of my wrists
offer musical accompaniment
while I feel the weight
of the filth which sticks
as each thin film swills
and thickens within
building another crust
so difficult to slough away

is this it?
these nails, bitten to the quick
these fingers, obsessively clicking at keys
recording every humiliating secret
each misbegotten dream,
each freely-gifted ill
where is the release?
is my end my beginning?
or will I be forever stuck
somewhere in the middle
sinking, but never sunk
digging deep for a merry quip
grinning with gritted teeth
thinking to solidify a fantasy

©Jane Paterson Basil

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6 thoughts on “Sinking, but never sunk

  1. thinking to solidify a fantasy If you’re having to do THAT, then you’re not done with the hard work of releasing it all. No fantasies, girlfriend, just honest change, receiving the wounds, then letting them heal. Anatole France said: All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

    You are in the process of dying to that old life even AS you are in the midst of it. And by writing all this down, you get to participate in the change and learn from it. Sometimes it will feel like you’re in charge; other times you will feel directed. There are three phases to what you’re doing. The beginning where you started this writing journey which is actually an ending; an ending when you have purged yourself of what you need to say and which will then be a new beginning; and in between you will find fertile ground which may not seem that way at all. But you won’t stay stuck there. Your soul is moving you toward a sense of healing and wholeness. Remember that, my sweet friend… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t describe how frateful I am for your wisdom. I feel shell-shocked at the moment (and my brother has come to see me) so I’ve copied and pasted your message onto an office document, to can read again later.
      Thank you Calen xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Brother? Good visit or bad visit? When I was talking about being in the midst of it, I was meaning that even as you’re sorting through your stuff, you’re STILL having to deal with the aftermath of a lot of it with Paul and Laura’s problems. That is a tall order, my friend. You’re a strong woman. You can do this!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I can do it. If I am strong, it is because of the support I receive from WordPress, and particularly from you. You always know when I become shaky, and you always know how get me back onto my feet.
          I have 3 brothers. Angus is the eldest, 6 years my senior. We spend an evening together every week. He keeps bees and brings me veg. from his allotment. I’m his favorite sibling, the only one he chooses to know.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I could write a tome about my siblings, but the simple answer is that although I was the one who had the most violent nature, I was also the most compassionate of the five of us. I think Angus saw that and appreciated it.
    I can see the new beginning ahead of me…

    Liked by 1 person

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