I must turn my back
punctured so easily by sharp teeth hidden
beneath his sweet smile
his cheat’s face clean-shaven, charming
swept of telling stubble
providing a focal point which distracts
my eyes from those glassy pools
flitting darkly, swimming in pink-flecked white
I will turn my back
show him the hole through my ribs
to my chewed heart
“See this old thing?” I will say
“Think nothing of it. It will quickly heal.”
I would turn my back but he
would consider the challenge
too great to resist
I can’t turn my back
he will force me to face him
he will crush me for his poison
he will lose in the end
but he’ll have
his way
©Jane Paterson Basil
Making it write 
I’m finding myself more and more interested in the stories behind the poems. Obviously this is one traumatic relationship. Is there a special moment it refers to?
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Paul is back to his old tricks, and he finds every way he can to con money out of me. When he came out of prison I was so proud of the man he had become, but it seems he can’t cope with the outside world.
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That’s kind of scary. He wouldn’t try to go back, would he?
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He doesn’t want to, but i have given him an ultimatum. On Friday I’m going to ring his probation officer and ask her to give him a drugs screen. She’s supposed to do that anyway, but instead she just asks him what he has been up to, and he lies to her. He will see her the fllowing week If he has opiates in his system he will go back to prison. I hve to be tough for the sake of my own survival, and fear of prison is the only thing which may get him clean. Having said that, it may not work. He could be back inside in a fortnight, and if he is I will try to leave him to stew for a while.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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You have my undying admiration…
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Thank you Calen. It’s a terrible decision to have to make, but I feel it is the only option. Meanwhile I’m scouting around looking at voluntary work he can carry out. His options are limited because of his addiction, but there are a couple of charities out there which would support him while he worked. There’s no guarantee that he’ll go for them, but I’m going to try and talk it over with his probation offficer – see if she will make charity work mandatory. I’ve got the support of an organisation which helps find voluntary work for vulnerable people. I just have to get everyone communicating. If he doesn’t manage to get clean, and goes back to prison, at least I’ll know that I’ve done my best.
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Loving Your new blog look and wishing you all the best with the challenges you face. Addiction is a most exacting mistress that often leaves loved ones as hurt as the user claims to feel. Much success, Jane, you are much stronger than I.
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Thank you for your kind words. I doubt that I’m stronger than you. I just happen to find myself having to fight for my son’s, and my own, survival. I’m terrified, and I hurt, but so do many people, and for so many different reasons. I have a loving family and supportive friends. Not everyone has my problems, but some don’t have my support system or my resourcefulness. I’m fortunate in many ways.
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“he will crush me for his poison”
An excellent line.
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Thank you. You always spot the defining line.
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