This is not my life

at each fresh evil I break a little,
recovering more quickly every time;
reassuring with an easy joke, a smile,
thinking to escape the agony,
but it cuts deep into me
and with sharp fangs it rips out my creativity,
visciously spitting it out
to land like embryonic seed on arid ground,
never to stretch to maturity.

sometimes I want to scream
“this is not my life. It is not me.
these insipid lines and phrases
are less than my ability.”

©Jane Paterson Basil

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23 thoughts on “This is not my life

      1. If you think you might, try taking 2000 IUs of vitamin D everyday. Let me tell you, my lows are no where NEAR as low now that I’m taking that. Been on it three years. I had basically NO D in my body. You can get a blood test to check, but I’d just start taking it and give it a week or two to see if your mood brightens. It’s a little like puttin’ highlights in your hair! 😀

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      2. I had such a hard time getting through the winter. They put me on a high dosage of it for eight weeks — 50,000 units once a week. Then on a maintenance does of 2000 units a day. I wouldn’t do the 50,000 without a blood test. But I do have to say I HATED winter. Would become so depressed. Still don’t like it, but at least I’m not incapacitated by it now. It doesn’t color my mood constantly.

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            1. I’m caught in the whirlwinds of others – whenever they spin away from me I’m so confused I spend a lot of my time staring around my flat, thinking about making cushions, or decoupaging a horrible shelf unit in my bedroom, but I don’t get around to doing any of it, because I’m so confused and exhausted. Having said that, I took down my bedroom curtains and hemmed them today – they’ve been up, unhemmed, since June. I only did it because I had just finished making curtains for my sister and the sewing machine was still out.

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              1. I find myself just staring at things sometimes – watching bubbles in the washing up, or the way pepper corns fall. Can’t work out if it’s mindfulness or mindlessness! Grab those small victories – like hemming curtains – and hold them to you. Sometimes, when there’s so much that has to be done, it feels impossible to do any of it. Each job completed is a triumph.

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                1. The way peppercorns fall… it’s probably a kind of meditation, cleansing your mind.
                  Notbeing able too work at a sensible speed is frustrating though. I used to be able do as much in half a day as most people do in a day, but apart from all of the complications in my life, I now have an under-active thyroid. I resent the time it takes me to complete a job.

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                    1. I don’t think I ever thought about ageing as such – it just didn’t really occur to me I’ ever look or behave differently form how I did in my twenties. Sometimes, I do wish I could roll back those years. Serious – where does it all go?

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                    2. You just don’t have the experience to predict how the future will unfurl. You’ve no idea what your own limitations will be – or that you even have any. I truly thought I would go everywhere and achieve everything. I wonder if my teenage self would be disappointed in me, or appreciate what I have managed to do.

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  1. Dearest Jane,
    my sincere apologies.

    I have just discovered that somehow
    I have deleted you and three other
    sites I follow.
    No wonder I have not heard from
    you recently.
    I shall rectify the situation asap.

    Alan.

    Liked by 1 person

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