Only so many

I reckon, she said
you only get so many goes at sex
and once you have used up the allotted number
that’s it, finished; you dry to a crisp
while the man in your life wonders
what the hell he did wrong

she was only joking
but I was left with a creeping unease
that every gift may be given in pre-set quantities
allowing me only so many goes at using words
and one day I may find myself staring
at the empty coffers of my mind
unable to finish a sen…..

Β©Jane Paterson Basil

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37 thoughts on “Only so many

    1. Not being able to write certainly would – the sex thing isn’t an issue for me though, I’d rather be writing, drawing, crocheting, visiting the family, washing the dishes, ironing clothes for every man, woman and child in the UK, having my head shoved into a vice…
      I think you get the picture πŸ™‚ πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Well, you only have so many eggs, so once they’re gone, i reckon your body thinks ‘what’s the point in all that messy nonsense now?’ πŸ™‚
    Now words, as you say – much more precious. Let’s not lose those – I’d be heartbroken. Nice poem, Jane and something to mull over

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lynn πŸ™‚
      BTW, did I mention that I can’t comment on posts at the moment? I can only respond to comments – so please don’t think I’m being unfriendly when you don’t see any comments from me beneath your posts. It’s very frustrating.
      I love your story about the mum who poisoned herself so she could be with her kids. It’s ripe for a spot of theological discussion.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah, thank you Jane πŸ™‚ Hope your WordPress problems are solved soon. And yes, it’s the kind of thing that people consoled themselves with in past times – and probably still now. Death reuniting us all. Wonder how many people in the UK still believe that?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I would like to believe it, but I don’t. I’m reminded of the post I wrote about Ruth Ellis, the last soman to be hanged in the UK. I wondered what she was thinking about when they put the noose around her neck. She was so calm. Was she confident that God would forgive her, did she think that hell would be better than the life she had, or did she just long for an eternal void?
          Ruth Ellis’s story affected me profoundly.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Her’s is a tragic tale and one of the main reasons I was always against the death penalty. Though I entirely understand why the families of victims would want to see a killer die – I fear I’d feel the same.
            I’m trying to come to terms with being content that my existence will end, that’ll I’ll return to the earth and be recycled into someone / something else. The fact that we’re all made from the same molecules that have existed for millenia is a kind of reincarnation after all. I like the idea we’re made from the stars – that has a beauty to it. Some days I feel okay about that and some day’s it’s hard to know there is nothing beyond this world. But the sun is shining, I’ve seen bumble bees today and some of the flowers are out in my garden, so I’m not complaining.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I like the theory that the world is an organism and we are just part of it, like ants…
              If you’ve seen bumble bees you must have had a good day – they make me happy, anyway.
              I’ve had the best day for ages. Paul sent me a humble, honest letter from prison, which I’ve converted into a poem on motheringaddicts (I’m a cheeky git), I’ve done my induction at the gym – which I really enjoyed, I’ve connected with an amazing meth addict on WP, and hope that I will be able to relay messages back and forth between him and Laura, helping them both (Ok, that’s a long shot), I’ve done some gardening and eaten a lovely vegetable hotpot. That’s just the highlights. I feel great, and seeing Laura this afternoon, for the first time since the last time I threw her out, weeks ago, has hardly dented my armour :):) πŸ™‚

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Glad you had such a great day. Sounds like a good letter from Paul – how’s he doing in there – getting on okay? Never taken to gyms – I either use work as my gym (we have to run up and down a flight of stairs at least twenty times a day), the garden or my old Rosemary Connelly videos! Gardening is the most therapeutic, though. Hope the contact with the meth addict (reformed meth addict?) is useful for both you and Laura. Keep that armour intact, dear lady! And the sun is shining again today. Will be looking out for our furry flying friends again later πŸ™‚

                Liked by 1 person

                1. I used to attend a gym with Laura – because she wanted to go – but I hated it. This one is different. It’s called Go 30. There are 10 exercise machines which work by air resistance, we have 3 minutes on each, and other exercises are taught,depending on each individual’s requirements. Nobody wears lycra, and it’s entirely non-competetive, and I love the fact that it’s women only. Staff and members are all friendly, and there’s lots of laughter. There are regular review and updates of everyone’s programme..
                  I suspect some are there because they’re lonely, as much as anything, but quite a few are morbidly obese, and would feel uncomfortable in a normal gym.
                  We’re lucky to have something like that in li’l ol’ Barnstaple. πŸ™‚

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. That sounds perfect! Hate the normal gyms, so posey, so full of numpties. And if you’re less fit you feel inferior next to all the buff types. It does sound like the only kind of gym I’d go to – good luck with it Jane πŸ™‚

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                    1. … although I WAS offended when I went to buy my first computer a few years back and the guy who owned the shop called me a numpty because I was a greenhorn, and he’d been using computers for years. I felt like asking him if he could sew/embroider/knit/crochet/plaster/draw/paint/turn his hand to whatever task was required/do acrobatics/ gardening, garden design, carpentry or building, how good he was at interior design and decoration, or whther he had ever, for a single moment in his life, been worthy of anyone’s love. In the light of the way he deliberately messed me about afterwards, just for fun, I wish I had, although it waas quite nice when my computer savvy friend went into his shop and humiliated him in front of several customers, showing him up for the ?*&%$!# that he was.
                      And anyway, the computer graphics that he was so proud of were awful, but that’s another story.
                      Phew – glad I got that off my chest – again…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. I loathe experts who look down their noses at you jst for being ignorant of their specialism – so ignorant! Glad your friend gave him a dressing down – very satifying πŸ™‚

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                    3. Wish I had been there – my friend is a well respected man who takes on the care of computers belonging to people he deems worthy, and refuses payment. He was one of the team of Ministry Of Defense experts who got the internet up and running. I may not agree with his opinions on defence, but he’s a wonderful man, and very knowledgable about computers.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    4. Ah, just the kind of person you need in your corner! How brilliant to have an expert putting someone so trumped up in their place. Amazing πŸ™‚

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      1. I think you’re right. I wish my friend Elaine could see that. She thinks I should be at her beck and call, and if I told her I couldn’t see her because I was writing, she would be offended.
        How do people exist without passion? Can a life spent forever lounging with friends, and never aspiring to create, or discover, beauty, whether it is in the arts, the sciences or whatever, be complete?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I truly believe the need to create is inherent in all of us. The question becomes, WHAT is it we are drawn to that we can be passionate about. I often wonder if we live in a world that gives us privileged folks with so much freedoms just too many choices. I kind of wonder if that’s why people end up getting multiple college degrees these days, because they can’t make up their minds what they want to be when they grow up.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I’ve often thought we have too many choices. When I was in India, I couldn’t help comparing my life wiith the people who live on the streets, scraping for a living. They are so inovative and creative. Their goals are lower than ours – they just want to survive, and the stresses are different. We’re blinded by red tape and promises, and too many people make disastrous choices. I remember telling Paul that the opportunity to become an addict was a filthy luxury that millions of starving people don’t have the time for…

            Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m not good at change, and every time I either become unable to do anything, or I go hyperactive. When Paul went back to prison I went hypeqctive, and all the time I was sanding, painting, organising my cupboards and so on, I felt I should write, but there was nothing I could bring myself to talk about. I’m not worried about running out of words, but I am scared that one day I’ll find it too painful to write them.

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      1. Are you sure you’re not using the hyperactivity as an avoidance tactic? It sounds like that’s exactly the time you NEED to sit down and write. And I don’t think it matters if you don’t write anything coherent. It’s all about the processes. (Just keep writing, “I hate turnips!” over and over again on the page.) The brain leaks the emotion to the arm where it runs down to the hand, into the pen, and the ink flows out onto the paper. Doesn’t matter what the words are. The important thing is you keep the path clear. Keep words flowing. Even if they’re hateful, mean-spirited, full of pain and surrender. The process is what’s important! Don’t stop writing or your writing artery will get clogged up.

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        1. But I LOVE turnips! πŸ™‚
          I think I’m over it now. I’m writing again – but I want to carry on sorting the flat out until it is entirely to my taste. Until this week I have been too depressed to do anything but stare into space, and write whenever I could focus. I have to get my life in balance. I want to be Superwoman again.

          Liked by 1 person

              1. I know in my heart that’s the way it would be for me if Bran was able to get his own place. And maybe Drollery and I could get reacquainted then. Sigh… I am depressed about those two things. People want to shove pills at you and I just keep asking how the hell pills are supposed to change any of that? By making me feel nothing??? Sometimes I SO prefer critters to some people… (Sorry. Mini-rant. Done now.)

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Rant away! How else are you going to survive?
                  Ah, yes, the pills. Take one in the morning and one at night. The chaos will still be there, but you won’t be able to see it through the fog.
                  My doctor thinks I’m taking a medication called Pregabalin. Ha!

                  Liked by 1 person

  2. Jane, today’s prompt is ‘hidden’ which is what you’ve done with your guilt at being unable to help those you love. You matter far too much to them and to all who care about you to watch you torture yourself so much so please don’t! Anton x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, Anton, you’ve caught me on a good day. The sun is shining, I’ve just joined a remarkable gym, my son sent me a wonderfully honest and humble letter from prison (he asked to be recalled as he was getting in a mess out here) and I think your prayers have got God scratching his head and coming up with the posssibility of an interesting solution to Laura’a addiction, in the shape of a meth addict somewhere across the world. He found my motheringaddicts site, and was moved by Laura’s story. My theory is that the only addict who can help another addict is one who is thousands of miles away…
      I hope that doesn’t sound irreverent – it isn’t intended to be.
      So, you’ll be pleased to learn that any sense of guilt I may have been feeling has disappeared around the corner. Jane xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. How lovely to get some cheerful news, my first this year πŸ™‚ Thanks Jane. I do hope Laura and Paul get themselves properly back on track and as I pray for people thousands of miles apart all the time the point is quite irrelevant. I shall keep you and all the family in my prayers as I always do. Ciao. Anton x

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