It’s such a clever busines idea that I don’t want to share the name I’ve come up with, except to tell you it begins with F. Its success depends on it having that name, so I don’t want anyone to steal it. I don’t mind sharing the idea though.
I recently aquired a triptych from the Oxfam shop where I work. It hadn’t sold because it was so nasty. It was a trio of landscape pictures in several sickly shades of pink, mass-produced by some kind of printing method, so the canvases were smooth. My intention was to paint over them. I had several ideas in mind, but when it came to it, none of them appealed to me. I’m very fussy about what I have on my walls – it’s one of the reasons my walls are currently bare. The other reason is that I can’t afford to buy several Van Goghs, a John Singer Sargent, a Rodin, (painting, not sculpture) a Mucha and a couple of pieces of Pre-Raphaelite art – oh, and a Veonardo da Vinci. No, not that one; her smile makes me uneasy. I would prefer one of his drawings.
Inspiration smacked me square in the gob while I was leafing through a book about abstract art. Many traditional artists object to the work of particular contempory artists, claiming their work is not art. I find the controversy highly amusing, and I was giggling to myself about it, at the same time looking at a canvas which was no more than a trio of blocks of colour, when inspiration hit. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my canvases. It was brilliant! More than that, I thought it was hilarious. It didn’t take me more than a minute or two to figure out that this was a great business idea. By the end of the morning I had a whole list of ideas for humorous paintings which will requir
e little a great deal of skill to create.
That may not sound like a clever plan, but if you knew the name of the business I think you’d see I was onto something. As I said before, it begins with an F.
I told my sister about it, and even took the risk of telling her the name of the business. She’s an artist who doesn’t like Tracey Emin, if you get my drift, and she laughed until she was blue in the face. I think that’s a pretty good endorsement.
My second endorsement came from my friend Elaine. When I told her about my plan, describing the triptych I’m about to paint, she told me a story about someone she she knew who entered a baguette and some matches for the Turner competition. The panel of judges were interested, but he’d lost the third component of his artwork, so he pulled out, but was invited to the opening party, which he was happy to attend. She suggested I should try for the Turner prize when my three canvases were finished.
So, I plan to set up an art business producing humorous,
though quite untalented extremely well crafted, paintings. I’ll need a factory and art materials. I plan to start small, with just a couple of dozen staff.
Now – if someone would just lend me a coupla hundred thousand quid…
Hello… hello…? Where’s everybody gone?
©Jane Paterson Basil