#Agoraphobia

 

wallpaper-8960_720

Oh, great!
Now it’s a glass wall.
I’ve been confined before, but never this.
I see its pristine contours sparkling in the sun
as if jestingly buffed by some sadistic demon.
It blocks my exit.
As soon as I make the decision to leave
it rises in that part of my mind that needs to be imprisoned
and when I give in to its desires it sinks from my vision.
I consider trying to trick it.
If I sauntered into the hall in my nightwear
as if to go into the bedroom,
I may catch it unawares;
I could fling the door open and leap out,
but we are forbidden to wear pyjamas in the communal areas,
so perhaps
I’ll go back to bed and meditate on the things I know.
There is no wall, except that which I have built.
Whilst others have hurt me, no-one but me raised it,
and although family and friends are reassuring;
saying it is no wonder I am ill,
I am horrified by my increasing weakness.
There is no wall, other than the one I have built.
There is no wall,
but I feel it,
currently beyond my vision, lurking,
mocking me.

©Jane Paterson Basil

Advertisements

32 thoughts on “#Agoraphobia

    1. I’ve just read back on the history of the last little while in your life Jane. I’m sorry for the flippant comment above. I know just how difficult living with agoraphobia can be. It is not well understood and it is so debilitating. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I hope your daughter was able to help and support you. Sending you lots of love xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s OK, no need to apologise – not everything I write is factual, and you had no way of knowing what was going on.
        My two older daughters have been wonderfully supportive. I get the feeling they were glad that I was finally being open about my difficulties. They’re not stupid, and they know I cover things up in an effort not to worry them – as they do with me. The three of us have been hurt far too much over the years, but we have each other. 🙂 xxx

        Liked by 1 person

          1. In the UK we celebrated Mother’s day back in March. I had no idea it wasn’t an international on the same day everywhere. Now that I know I’d like to wish you a wonderful Mother’s Day, full of love, sunshine and laughter – I believe your family have a special talent for fun and laughter xxx

            Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh shoot. I hope this is hyperbole, Jane. I can see how it could happen though. Home looks increasingly good to me and a blog is a perfect excuse to just stay home and slip into one’s cyber reality. oxox J

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish it was, but yesterday when I made an abortive attempt to leave the flat I got a fleeting glimpse of that glass wall. It was horrifying, even though I knew it wasn’t really there. I forced myself to go to the gym this afternoon. I’ve fought thos monstrous condition since my mother died, over eleven years ago, and it’s not going to win. This is the worst attack so far, but I’m on the mend already 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s a humiliating condition. I’ve had it for about eleven years.People despise agorophics, thinking them feeble, or fake, but it’s very real. It wouldn’t have come up, but this time it was so bad that I forgot to preserve my dignity. I even involved my older daughters.They have enough worries over me already, but I couldn’t think straight. I’m ashamed of myself.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Thank you for your concern -I’m feeling a lot better today. The panic is gone. I forced myself to go to the gym yesterday, and the staff were wonderful. Today I made it to the Oxfam shop where I volunteer. It’s one of my safe places.
              I’ll admit that I’m drugged up to the eyeballs, finally taking a medication which I was prescribed about four or five months ago. I’ll stop in a few days – while it makes me feel less anxious, I don’t want to be reliant on it – it’s not a good example to my addicted children.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. So brave of you to write about this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The very nature of agoraphobia is isolating but know that you are not alone. I have had minor bouts of it in my life but nothing this severe. I also have moments when I can’t deal with people or public places. I have never had a full on panic attack in public but have come close. When I do get close to the breaking point I become very aware of my growing irritability and get myself to a quiet place before I lose control.
    Sorry I have fallen badly behind in my reading of my favorite writers (you being one of them). My personal life has been in a upheaval since last year and I just can’t seem to get my shit together.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s no need to apologise – I’ve been no better at keeping up. I’m so sorry things have been difficult for you for a while, and hope you come out of whatever it is soon. I’ll be thinking of you, and praying for you in my own way.
      BTW some of my comments are going to spam folders, and I think you may have a couple of them in yours, because I’m unable to comment on your site…
      Much love, Jane

      Liked by 1 person

            1. It’s OK, there’s nothing you can do about it if it’s not in spam. I have to go somewhere, but tomorrow, if the Universe doesn’t conspire to prevent me 🙂 I’ll drop a comment or two under your posts and we’ll see if they show up in your spam folder – if that’s ok with you…

              Liked by 1 person

                    1. I’ve been plagued by this for over two months now. I cantacted the WP engineers, and they got back to me after a few weeks to tell me they’d sorted the problem out, but it was still the same. I got back to them last week, and I haven’t heard any more yet. I’m pretty fed up with feeling like a pariah.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. That’s worth a lot to me – but I can’t comment on the posts of bloggers who haven’t already commented on my blog, because there’s no way I can ask them to check out their spam folders…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    3. Blind alley…. Hopefully WP will fix it soon. You might put a quick post on your blog indicating the issue. I know Ye Olde Foole finally did that when he was having similar problems and he got his issues fixed ASAP.

                      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s