The wrong legs

twenty years ago I stood naked in front of the mirror
and was dismayed to see it was all going South.
maybe my perception or my expections have changed
because these days I think my body looks OK
considering my advancing age.
apart from my legs, and I’m pretty certain
they were never intended for me anyway.
It was just an administrative error
like the time the dentist up the road
who’d always been a bit over-generous with medication
(which made me wonder, after the fact, whether…
no, – I’d better not suggest that)
mixed up his patients
and extracted seven teeth from the mouth of a man
who only went in for a filling.
the man was probably a bit miffed about it,
but there was not a lot he could do in retaliation
as he’d just come around from an anaesthetic
and couldn’t talk properly. I expect he said something like
mug oo, oo muggin budud
which doesn’t sound particularly intimidating.

these days
dentists aren’t allowed to give general anaesthetics,
so patients are more inclined end up happy
and less embarrassed about their smiles

anyway, going back to my legs
a few months ago I told my sister I was rather concerned because
my legs had been stolen and replaced with someone else’s

as you can imagine, I was quite indignant

but she looked at them and told me
they were the same legs I’d always had
and added
that I’d never liked them
I don’t know how that had slipped my mind
I’d been going around thinking my legs had been stolen
having forgotten I’d originally been issued the wrong ones
and I don’t feel so bad about it now
because although they’re not pretty
they’re only as ugly as they’ve always been
and they haven’t gone South yet

maybe if they did they’d be replaced with the ones I was supposed to have
that is, unless someone’s used them up

this morning, after my shower,
I couldn’t find my face
but after an extensive search
I spotted it lurking in the antarctic region

Written for the Daily Post’s One Word Prompt: South

Β©Jane Paterson Basil


33 thoughts on “The wrong legs

  1. Dammit. I’ve always had the wrong legs too – too short, knock kneed, ankles to skinny, thighs too huge. Where do all the correct legs go? Who has them, Jane? I really think we should find out. Nicely written – you made me smile πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. They’ve all been spirited away to Buckinghamshire. You can buy anything if you have enough money. They bought up all the good sunsets, too. I lived there for a year, when I was thirteen, and a girl a couple of years above in school had mine (legs, not sunset). I was really angry, but too scared to say anything, for fear of reprisals.
      They stole my brain as well, by the way – but at least they didn’t take my shoes, because they were too worn down πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha! We used to live in Beaconsfield – hubs was a post man in Gerards Cross for a while – so I absolutely know what you mean πŸ™‚ . You’re mistaken about your brains, though – all present and correct as far as I can see πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Not sure how theat would work – there may a delay between returning the ones we were issued, and getting the correct ones. it wouldn’t be too bad for those who are fortunate enough to already have one of their own legs, they could hop, but the rest of us could be legless for weeks – and it’s not just legs; I know someone who only received half her chin!

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Haha! Problem is, Jane, I can see some of us fighting over the same legs – Ginger Rogers-esque / Betty Grable-esque legs. And there will be some pairs (knock kneed, plump thighed, blotchy monsters – in other words mine!) that no one will want. Then what do we do? I won’t be part of a culture where the best legs go to the highest bidder – that’s just wrong and elitist. How about some kind of lottery system? That would be the fairest way … Oh, hang on. That’s what we’ve already got – the lottery of our genes. Hmm.Back to the drawing board.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I’ll write to my MP and see if he’s got any suggestions – although I have a feeling he’s a bit sick of my correspondence. He writes letters back to me, saying (in his own, very careful words) it’s not that I don’t like you Jane, it’s just that I don’t care.
              We don’t see eye to eye about, well, anything πŸ™‚

              Liked by 1 person

              1. But surely on this very importatnt issue? I can understand him getting cross with you over, say, immigration, thieving bankers, general policies on disenfrancising the poor, the disabled and any other minority group you can name. But legs? He has to listen to you about legs, Jane. It’s the issue of the hour πŸ™‚


                1. Ok. I’ll try to pluck up the courage to write to Peter Heaton-Jones about this burning issue. I’ll suggest he puts together a committee for the exchange of misappropriated legs. The problem has been kept under wraps all these years. He only took office last year, and he probably has no idea of the extent of it – although I’m a bit suspicious about his chin – he’s a tory, and as you know, they’re not supposed to have proper chins, but his looks like a liberal one – a medium, middle-of-the-road sort of affair. I’m wondering whether he stole it, and if so, he won’t be much help πŸ™‚

                  Liked by 1 person

  2. Do wrong legs make it all that way from Australia as well?! You’d think they would be more careful at point of origin to make sure the right parts go to the right body ! I wonder who’s in charge … surely they have a complaints department or an exchange/refund arrangement πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m on it! Last night someone was complaining about her chin, and I realised she was another victim. Just how many body parts have they been mixing up?
          It gets worse – over forty years ago I had a boss who had been given a monkey’s face! The monkey who ended up with my bosses face must have been a laughing stock in his tribe! πŸ™‚

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement
    account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you!
    By the way, how can we communicate?


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