In loving memory

Jane was a nice enough woman, but so stupid! She never listened, or if she did, she always had to do the opposite of what was recommended.

When, at the age of four, her mother told her she would be sick if didn’t stop eating those unripe blackberries, she kept eating them and was sick for two days.

She was five when her mother advised not to get in her little sister’s highchair, because she was too big, and she’d be bound to get stuck. After that unfortunate incident, her little sister had to learn to sit at the table with the rest of the family, as the highchair was too damaged to repair.

At six years old, somebody foolishly gave Jane chewing gum for the first time, and she was playing with it, fascinated by the way it stretched, when her mother got the strange impression that she was about to wrap it around her neck, and told her not to, because it would stick like glue and have to be scrubbed off. Nothing could have been further from Jane’s mind – until it was suggested. She later complained that it was a very painful experience.

Fortunately the baby dress was due to be recycled by the time Jane, aged seven, put it on (to the accompaniment of her mother crying “Don’t do that – it’s too small for you and I’ll have to cut it off!”). It restricted off the blood flow to her arms, and was so tight that her mother was unable to avoid scratching her with the scissors.

Even as an adult she tended to ignore sensible advice. When she found an ancient, dusty bottle full of an un-named fluid in the garage, her mother-in-law warned her that sniffing it was not the ideal way to investigate its contents, but it was too late… She came round quickly, but had a nasty bump on the back of her head from hitting the wall as she passed out, and a nauseous feeling that could have had something to do with the un-named liquid in the bottle.

As for the lipstick that Jane found at the back of a cupboard a few hours before her niece’s wedding – well, I suppose the incident was down to the celebratery pre-wedding drink – she was warned not to do it, but she thought it would be funny to use it as rouge. She didn’t believe the words emblazened on the tube which claimed that it would stay on for 24 hours. She sat through the wedding with her hands over her cheeks, covering a scarlet blush that wasn’t entirely natural.

So when I told her that she should get an electrician to wire in the new cooker, or at least switch the electicity off before she attempted it, I suppose I shouldn’t really have been surprised by what happened.

Still, on the upside, the undertaker’s assistant was a trained electrician, and he, most kindly, came round and wired the cooker in at no extra charge. Should Jane accidentally miss her footing, fall of her cloud, and land back on earth, no doubt she’ll be pleased to have the means to cook her dinner.

I found this in my documents today – it appears to be my obituary! I don’t remember writing it, so I’ve probably never posted it…

Β©Jane Paterson Basil


23 thoughts on “In loving memory

    1. Thank you – I hope you mean you’ll try writing your obituary – or are you planning to put on a baby dress, wrap chewing gum round your neck, and get stuck in a high chair? I tried all those things (yes, it’s all true, except the bit about the cooker, obviously) and it wasn’t much fun πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I think she sounds very silly. I certainly would never have behaved like that – or at least, not more than once – apart from covering my cheeks with indelible plum coloured lipstick. I’ve done that several times. I get an irristible urge to make a fool of myself as soon as I set eyes on the stuff, and then I’m sorry. It’s not safe to let make-up any where near me. You should see what happens when I manage to find blue eyeshadow! πŸ™‚
      I found some mysterious bronze powder in dad’s workshop once, and covered my face and neck with it, to look like a statue. It looked amazing, but he was furious, and terrified. Turned out the stuff was highly toxic (and expensive). I was about fourteen at the time…
      It was hilarious πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€


        1. My mum had five children, and we were all hard work in our own ways. I’m fascinated by family dynamics, and the way each child chooses their role. My role was complicated and quite subversive. I compensated for all the bad stuff, working it so that mum and I were very close.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. I read that question five hours ago, and i still haven’t figured out the answer. It never occurred to me that we may be anything other than a democracy, but with five kids all displaying autistic tendencies of various types (although autism wasn’t recognised at the time), and a father who clearly had a few unresolvedissues it was complicated.

              Liked by 1 person

                  1. They stayed together. Lived in a tiny house in the country. Mum grew up hating alcohol and card games. To her credit, later in life she was able to have a more objective view about them, even enjoying the occasional tipple herself. My grandmother never stopped working. Even when sitting or walking, she had knitting needles in her hands, knitting socks and such.
                    On another note – how is Laura ? And you ?

                    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s