Reminders to self

 

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Kitchen is not self-cleaning

Neither is fridge

Bees don’t understand the concept of windows

Hornets get angry when I try to explain

Can’t spend the same £20 twice

Cleaning the fridge doesn’t always get rid of the smell of cheese

Have to eat the stinky cheese

Eating stinky cheese makes me stinky

Can’t go to the gym because I stink of camembert

Moths don’t understand the concept of windows either

Can’t spend the same £20 (that I tried to spend twice) three times

Find out why the dirt flies out of the hoover, under the cupdoard door and back onto the floor 21 minutes after I’ve vacuumed.

Put a note to bees, hornets, moths AND wasps on the window, explaining concept of glass

Cleaned the fridge. Kitchen still stinky

Dust on floor not dust from hoover bag. Find out where dust comes from

Hoover bag full. Empty hoover bag.

Next time be more careful.

Hoover dust back into hoover bag.

Find out about self-cleaning carpets

buy more cheese

It’s not the fridge, it’s the dishcloth

Find a language that bees, hornets, moths, wasps AND birds can read

It’s not the dishcloth. It’s the stinky cheese wrappers in the bin

What did I do with that £20 note?

Keep a beer glass and a bit of card by the window. Bees, hornets, moths, wasps and birds can’t read

Sparrows are impossible to trap in beer glasses

At night, moths fly back in, attracted by the light

Train eyes to see in the dark

Borrow £20. Pay it back when I find that other £20

buy more cheese

Maybe some milk I spilled on the floor last week splashed under the fridge

Behind cooker?

Get self-cleaning kitchen

Ditto fridge

Large yellow and black striped wasp-like thing battering window. Flying cat? Check online

buy more cheese

Clean bathroom tomorrow, after good night’s sleep

©Jane Paterson Basil

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19 thoughts on “Reminders to self

  1. Haha! Love the idea of you patiently trying to read invertebrates to read so you won’t have a pile of concussed bodies outside your house 🙂 And a black and yellow flying cat? Terrifying thought. Great fun, Jane

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lynn. I thought it was time I got back to some serious silliness. As it transpired, it wasn’t a cat after all, but a rare breed of exotic bird that took a wrong turning somewhere, which was a bit of luck – I’ve removed its heart, and I’m going to preserve it in aspic – Pharoah will never notice it’s not hummingbird, and I’ll be able to afford those goji berries 🙂
      (Note to fellow animal lovers -I’m only joking)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ROFL !!!! I can SO relate to this – I just finished vacuuming. I thought… I want to put an order in for a whole friggin’ self cleaning HOUSE !!!!!! On a brighter side, I moved the lounge to vacuum under it (a rare occurrence, not self cleaning) and found a $50 note! I’m sure it was not a note I had ever met before. If it was lost, it has been found and is cosy and safe in my secret hiding place for $50 notes. I will not be issuing a Lost and Found notice to the other residents of this house. Finders keepers. BTW, I still want all that self cleaning stuff. If $50 notes are to be lost in future, I expect to find them in places more convenient than in dark corners seldom visited. I have made this clear to all future lost notes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hoe your going to stick with the rule which says found money should be spent on treats for yourself 🙂
      The self-cleaning system would have to be a very sophisticated one which would be able to discern $50 notes and, rather than trash them, drop them into the palm of YOUR hand – should any more happen to turn up and rebel against your ruling.
      You’re going to have to shop around. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Good.
          I have a whole set of rules concerning found money. If I find it in the home it’s mine. If I find it outside, and I’m on my own, it’s mine. But if I’m out with somebody else, any coin I find is instantly handed to them, whereas I split notes 50/50. I’ve trained Laura to do the same – at least, when she’s with me.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Is that your tactful way of saying you know I was lying about the glass? OK, I admit it – it’s a disposable cup from a water dispenser, but I have a theory that we’re only allowed so many words in a lifetime, after which we’re struck dumb or we die, so I was economising. Beer glass is only two words. I have to end this message here, as I’m worried I have used up all of m

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nah, you don’t run out. You just reboot and the count starts again.

        I took every word to be absolute truth, although now you mention it a glass glass would make a pretty solid thunk against a window.

        Liked by 1 person

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