Down the pan

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When surrounded by Chaos, a large Cardboard Box, if used in the correct manner, as described below, will generally Restore Order.

There are two methods of Order Restoration via a Cardboard Box. They are called Cardboard box Order Restoration Method (a) and Cardboard Box Order Restoration (b).* Don’t ask me why – they just are.

Cardboard box Order Restoration Method (a)

  1. Place every non-essential item you own in Cardboard Box.
  2. Take to charity shop.
  3. Go home to find Order Restored.

Cardboard Box Order Restoration Method (b)

  1. Take Cardboard Box and 1 set of clean underwear to remote woodland with freshwater stream running through it.
  2. Live in Cardboard Box. Keep spare underwear neatly folded in corner of Box.
  3. Forage for food.
  4. Regularly wash self and underwear in the stream.
  5. Climb trees. It’s fun and healthy.
  6. Make friends with the local cheesemakers. Offer them blackberries in exchange for cheese. Cheese is rich in protein and calcium, not that you care – you eat it because it’s delicious.
  7. If foraging doesn’t yield enough food for survival, ask the cheesemakers if they have any paid work available. Failing that, get a job in the local pub.
  8. Once you have a job you may choose to live somewhere that has room for you to stand up and walk around, with a roof that doesn’t fall apart at the first sign of rain.
  9. You may also require loads of cheap new clothes from Primark that you realise you don’t like as soon as you get them home.
  10. Buy an excess of kitchen equipment, furniture, ornaments, state-of-the-art electronic goods with lots of buttons and alarms and lights, and a rather unusual vintage item which is made of wood and painted with a coat of with flaking green paint. When you see it in the charity shop you will fall instantly in love with it, though you won’t know what it is. The vulunteer assistant will tell you she thinks it’s an excessively ornate hat stand, but you’ll have a feeling it’s an innefficient tool for removing mud from the underside of horse-drawn carriages, while your landlady may later claim her great aunt Maud had one, handed down from her father’s side, and she used it for milking the neighbours’ sheep at night, when nobody was looking.
  11. Have a good night out once in a while.
  12. Go on, put on those beer goggles. You know you want to.
  13. Spot a man you wouldn’t like if you were sober, in a nightclub you wouldn’t like if you were sober.
  14. Drag his attention away from a semi-naked pole-dancer by purchasing a triple Jack Daniels at the bar, wedging the glass between your breasts and inviting him to lap it up.
  15. As soon as you’ve reach the point where you can remember both his nickname (Pervy Pete, Dead-end Dan, Pongo…) and his surname, assume it must be true love, and invite him to move in with you. Don’t be put off by the fact that he never calls you by your name – it’s probably not that he can’t remember it, but everyone calls you Aisha and he likes to have his own special name for you. He calls you Boobs. Sooo sweet…
  16. Get a spare set of keys cut, and give them to him.
  17. Let him bring all his state-of-the-art electronic equipment, his three-wheeled atrocity of steel and rusty iron that he got from a charity shop (it could be some kind of prototype domestic robot, though it looks more like a commode with the recepticle fitted upside down and a blunt spike attached, or a  weird sadistic sex toy) his manacles, his whips, his – huh? Wait a minute.
  18. At this point it would be prudent to obtain a large cardboard box. This box can be used in one of two ways…

*It’s best to try Method (a) first, as Method (b) doesn’t work and is therefore more suited to those who are practicing for a chaos marathon. For more information about Method (b) click Here

©Jane Paterson Basil

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44 thoughts on “Down the pan

  1. You had me smiling all the way through this, Jane! You’re so arch and funny, cynical and twisted in a really good way. Love the Jack Daniels wedged between your boobs – what man of class and breeding could resist such an offer? Brilliant, really 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

              1. Possibly, but you’re asking the wrong person so far as fashionable phrases are concerned. Never in all my years have a hit a single moment when I could be described as ‘fashionable’ in any sense. I just don’t have it in me, 🙂

                Liked by 1 person

                1. You’ll have your day when it becomes fashionable to be unfashionable – just a mo – surely that’s happening right now.
                  Your time has come: “And now Lynn Love steps out of the limousine onto the red carpet, wearing a stunning outfit. She’s teamed up a New Look shirt, circa 2008, with a neat black A line skirt circa 1969-2016. The look is brought to glittering life with a modest vest top – custom stained, unless I’m very much mistaken, with extra virgin olive oil – no expense spared. Though it could be sunflower oil – it’s hard to know the difference – my knowledge of Lynn’s lifestyle suggests that it is the real thing. And look at that! Lynn has always been admired for her sense of humour, but the Shoe Zone slippers are a work of pure comic genius. I predict Shoe Zone will have sold out of slippers by tomorrow evening. News is already coming in that Primark shares are dropping. They begged Lynn to wear one of their outfits tonight, but as everyone knows, Mrs Love has an impeccable sense of style.” 🙂
                  OK, I got a bit carried away – again 🙂

                  Liked by 2 people

                    1. Exactly – a few years from now young people may not even know what a market was. That’s not funny – I’ve suddenly realised how Barnstaple market has declined over the years. It’s hanging on by it’s fingernails. It’s tragic.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Same with Buxton market, where my mum lives. When she first moved there the entire Market Place – a whole stretch of road that used to be dedicated to the market – would fill with stalls twice a week. They even still had a cattle market round the back! Last time we visited there were around 3 stalls still there. Apparently the council have made it very difficult for stallholders, not setting up the stalls as they used to or clearing away afterwards. They basically want to use the space for carparking – revenue without the maintainence. It’s a shame as the place has been a market town for centuries. How times change.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    3. Because Barnstaple market is good for tourism, our council still support it. I think it went wrong when they increased the days it was open. Once if was a Friday market – they added Tuesday. Demand for stalls was high, so that was OK. Then they added Saturday. The stallholders were in different places on different days, and a lot of them only had one day. It affected customer loyalty – people couldn’t remember where (eg) the little woman with the lovely lemon curd was, or what day she was there. Then they opened with antiques on Mondays and Wednesdays, and Crafts on Tuesdays. ‘Antiques’ and ‘crafts’ often meant indian clothing /cheap socks/rizla kings /you-name-it…
                      The individuality, the stalls, the customers and and the magic are all gone.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    4. Tricky times, though it still sounds better than poor old Buxton market. They had a stall selling rugs and one selling washing up sponges and tea towels last time I went and little else. In these days of farmers markets, slow food markets etc and with commuters to Manchester buying up property and putting up the house prices (ie media people with disposable income) I think its very short sighted of the council

                      Liked by 1 person

                    5. It must be very depressing and lonely for those few die-hard stallholders. The council are bound to win in the end – how can traders make a living if they have no neighbours? Nobody will bother to go to the market.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    6. Very true. It makes me sad, it really does. They’re gutting the place, leaving it with the same old bog standard high street eveery other town has – until that’s killed by internet shopping. Specialist markets could breath new life into the place. But I guess with funding cuts the council want to make as much cash with as little outlay as poss. Sad though.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    7. Yes, it’s terribly sad. I’m proud to say I messed up my paypal account so I can’t use it until it’s sorted out. I’ve decided not to sort it out, so it takes away the temptation to shop online.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    8. It’s a downward spiral though, isn’t it? The less we shop on the high street, the fewer shops there are, the harder we find it to buy the items we want – so we look online for them. There is an inevitability to it to some extent – we won’t lose all shops, but many will go and probably more big names too. Change is the way of things, I supose

                      Liked by 1 person

                    9. I often hear people in the street complaining about the amount of charity shops, and I wish they’d change their attitude – and their shopping habits. Charity shops are forced to recycle far too many usable items.
                      The other day I bought a dish drainer in Wilko – I’d been looking (for the past year) for a second-hand one, but they never materialise. I think this is a sign that people hang on to them until they’re no longer usable, which is good 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    10. Yes, there are some things we all use to death, though it seems clothes are not included in that list. On the very rare occasion when I feel like going up in the world, I go across town to the charity shops on Gloucester Road, near where all the posh people live – there’s some really good pickings to be had there 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    11. Lots of nice independant shops – including a very good bakery, second hand clothes shops, hippy shops and a scoop shop where you can buy everything from flour to cereal loose. Love it there.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    12. That’s only the beginning. Once we have a deli in every field, we could start bringing in other useful shops – like Primark and Poundland and Bright House – the place that sells TV’s and fridges and stuff on credit, at incredibly high interest rates 🙂 I’d like to see the fields of Great Britain become places worth visiting. Bring on the Tarmac 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    13. Absolutely. Who wants all that green stuff cluttering up the place when you can have a nice neat out of town shopping complex instead?
                      Oh, yes Bright House. The company that takes advantage of those on low incomes and who can’t afford to pay up front for white goods and charges them higher than average interest – what a boon they are to every community. Just like the landlords that used to put extra money on each electricity unit for their meter using tenants – are they still allowed to do that?
                      Viva capitalism!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    14. I didn’t think landlords could do that any more, because I thought coin meters had been scrapped, but I googled it, and I may have been wrong.
                      I loathe Bright House. I think one of my brothers got tangled up with them but he won’t talk to me about it because he knows how I feel. I’d have told him he was better off without a freezer than with one from there.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    15. Taking advantage of people without much money, meaning the poorest pay the most for goods and amenities – how do they all sleep at night? Hopefully the meters will be sorted as I hear they’re all being replaced by digital ones soon. Maybe that’ll stop greedy landlords.
                      Apologies, as I think I deleted one of your comments a second ago- you said something nice about one of today’s posts but were too hot! Thank you and I’m sorry – not sure how I did that 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you found it helpful. This is just part of a practical system which I’ve spent almost several minutes putting together. If you follow my advice you could soon achieve an annual income of as much as £5,500 and sometimes have a roof over your head.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my, oh my !! Method B sounds positively dangerous. It’s all the cheesemaker’s fault of course. It all went downhill after that if you ask me 🙂
    Are you planning to expand on your lifestyle improvement and decluttering advice ? People make a living out of it I’m told. Possibly even more than 5.500 (sorry, don’t have a pound sign, we’re metric here )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve realized that I have a great deal of expertise on the subject of self-improvement, so, yes, I do plan to publish more posts in a similar vein. Tomorrow’s post is a must for anyone who would like to have tea with the Queen. It gives useful information on how one may obtain an invitation. I think I have a great future ahead of me. I estimate that within forty years I could be earning in excess of £6,000, if I so desired, but I instead I intend to continue offering my services entirely free of charge!!! (This deserves a couple more exclamation marks) !!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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