1. Tell him he’s not welcome.
2. Refuse to let his friends in – he’ll not only turn up – he’ll also bring along an odious female or a young man who’s so stoned he thinks he’s in love with you.
3. Wait up for him until 3am, then go to bed, fretting. He’ll arrive thirty-two minutes after you fall asleep.
4. Tell him you’ve hidden your life savings in your mattress.
5. Set fire to the town, leaving a narrow, unignited lane between him and your home.
6. Steal his bank card and take out all the money.
7. Go out for the evening. He’ll immediately have a crisis and call you up to say he’s on his way to see you.
8. Hell, just tell him you’re going out, and wait five minutes.
9. Tell him you have beer.
10. Wait for him to fall in the river – he’ll show up dripping stinky mud, ruin your carpet and sofa, splash filth over your walls, ask for a change of clothing, then pass out on the sofa that he hasn’t already soaked.
©Jane Paterson Basil