It feels like a little adventure, sitting in my dim-lit living room, hiding, out of reach of all but my caring WordPress friends in distant climes.
My neighbours thought I’d gone away, but now they’re not so sure. Maybe they can see a little light, but I don’t care.
I hear them outside, subdued by uncertainty and a trace of guilt.
Someone’s knocking on my door. I sense their bated breath as they listen for a clue to my presence.
There’s a second knock, and then a third.
Maybe they heard my kettle; well, let them wonder.
I don’t have to answer to those who expect me to listen to everyday tales I’ve already heard several times this week;
those who must be the centre of attention even when they have nothing to say;
those who are so blinded by ego or whatever makes them that way that they have no time to see my pain, or the fear writ clear across my face;
those who break in when I try to speak; greedily competing, citing swollen feet, headaches, self-made, half-invented, grossly exaggerated health scares to which I listen each evening.
This terrifying week, it would have been nice if someone had noticed me, instead of looking for a reflection of themself, and reached out to help.
The other night I described a terrifying image which had flashed across my vision. One of my erstwhile friends told me not to be so stupid, and without a pause, asked me how to delete a message from his phone.
All I could hear was him saying “Me me me.”
I stood up and said I had things to do, and without another word, I walked indoors.
He must have noticed I was offended, because yesterday he apologised. It was too late; it’s happened too many times over the past few days, and he would not have troubled himself if I hadn’t displayed my anger.
I hear another knock on my door.
I ignore it.
I prefer to spend the evening with you, my true friends; my loyal, supportive, WordPress friends.
©Jane Paterson Basil
🙂 Big hugs Jane!
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🙂 xxx
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My darlin’ Jane, did it ever occur to you they may see the light or smell the candle and since you’re not answering they may think you’ve fallen ill? ❓
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I now know who keeps knocking on my door: the woman who says I’m on drugs. She’s known for ages that I’m not well, but she doesn’t care. It’s all just a game to her.
The support staff know I’m OK, and that’s all that matters. Let the rest of them stew. I can’t see or talk to them. It’s not possible.
I’m sure they really miss me, but they have no idea who I am, because they’ve never let me talk.
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Well I’m glad that staff know. 🙂
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Sandra, the supervisor, wanted to know why I couldn’t use the main entrance, so I mumbled something vague. She asked me if I was trying to avoid people, and eventually I said I didn’t want to see Yasmin, among others. If I confront her she’ll lie to me, and I can’t cope with lies. They cause me physical pain. Sandra’s furious, and insists she’ll talk to her. She’s forever having to pull Yasmin up about things like this.
Sandra had a son who had drug issues. She had two breakdowns, and often used to faint in the street…
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Your housing set up seems so strange to me. Are all apartments and stuff that way over there?
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No – I live in sheltered housing for special needs and the over 55s. It was the first place I was offered by the local council.
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Oh, gotcha!
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Hugs, do what you feel like doing. Hugs you again.
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Thank you – I don’t think I should have to explain myself to people whose only interest in me was as a listening ear, even when my troubles were far greater than their xxx.
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some people just think they are the only one with problems, certainly not among your friends.
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And some people find it necessary to manufacture troubles – it’s shocking the way some of my neighbours behave. If it wasn’t for my WP friends I may have lost faith in humanity by now.
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I have thought of so many things to say, yet nothing seemed appropriate enough. You can’t be sensitive to other’s pain without feeling your own more keenly. Sometimes talking helps if there is a patient ear. If not, don’t retreat in your shell. Reach out. We are all connected… And unfortunately most are in the same terrifying boat. Loadsa love and hugs.
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Don’t worry – I won’t retreat into my shell. I know who to trust. You’re all out there in the blogosphere, and I can feel the love and good wishes. I don’t need you to find the right words – though yours ARE the right words.Love to you, too xxx
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That’s the spirit!
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I so understand your need for space and recharging yourself. It gets so tiring when everyone is so needy and greedy that they cannot see through their own stuff to reach out and support you just when you need it most. It sucks you dry, that kind of selfish neediness. And you get to the stage where you have nothing left to give. Look after yourself Jane – consider yourself enveloped in a big *hug* – sending you lots n lots of love xxx
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This comment somehow found its way to my spam folder…
It’s so good to have your support – I don’t know where I’d be now if it wasn’t for you and a few other WP’ers xxx
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Glad you found it! And happy that at least it gives a modicum of support to know that some people are in your corner 🙂 That seems to be happening to quite a few people. Hugh’s Views posted about it just this week.
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I had a bad night. Yasmin was on the warpath, and she waited until I had a seizure before launching a horrible verbal attack on me. I don’t think she realised that anger would bring me round. She may have made a fatal mistake.Amongst other things, she threatened to punch my lights out, and said that perhaps I need to be put in the psychiatric wing with my daughter – all this because the supervisor confronted her about the rumours she started. She denies them, and even denies something I heard her say during one of my seizures a couple of weeks ago.
I’m feeling very emotional today…
I haven’t read High’s Views…
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Sorry to hear that Jane. I presume Yasmin is one of the other residents there. I didn’t realise you had epilepsy. Do you usually have seizures so often?
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Yasmin is the woman who put round rumours about me doing drugs. We’ve been so-called ‘friends’ for 39 years and she knows all about my troubles, and my views.
I’m not diagnosed with epilepsy – my doctor assumes the seizures are stress-related. Have I ever mentioned that my doctor is lovely – but useless?
Seizures are spazmdic. I may have one or two a day for a while, and then none for weeks. My body slumps, and I can’t talk, but I hear everything that’s said. My friends know not to call the paramedics, but I’m beginning to think that if they did, I may get some sort of help.
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Oh yes, you did tell me about her. I didn’t recall the name. Sounds very toxic.
Lovely doctors are nice to have, but if that is all they are then perhaps it’s time to find someone else better equipped to help medically.
Have you ever kept a record of when you have them – ie. what’s happening in your life at the time. You may pick up a pattern.
Mum used to hyperventilate but it was not obvious that’s what she was doing. In all appearances it seemed like a seizure.They happened at times of high stress or tiredness for her. It took many years for a doctor to explain to us what was happening and to explain how to manage them without a trip to hospital.The paper bag over the nose trick – or hands cupped over your nose so you are rebreathing your air and rebalancing the o2/co2 levels.
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they happen mostly (but not always) when I’ve had a tough day topped off by someone yakking in my ear about nothing – so Yasmin’s seen quite a few.
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I know when Mum had them we had no idea she was even hyperventilating, it was so subtle.
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It can be like that. There’s nothing subtle about mine though…
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We love to spend our leisure with you too. I enjoy a lot of inspiration from your blog and I have nominated you for the 3-Days-3-Quotes challenge. If you would like to view and accept the nomination please check out this link on aYoKa:
https://gbolaboadetunji.wordpress.com/2016/09/23/jump-2/.
Have a lovely day!
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thank you for the kind remarks, and for nominating me for this challenge. I’m in.
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“We are all in the gutter,
but some of us are looking
at the stars.”
Oscar Wilde.
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I try – I really do…
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Ah, Jane. Sometimes its necessary to retreat from the world and the selfish and awful behaviour of others. We all require a carapace tough as a rhino’s horn to make it through life. All the best to you and I hope you get to sneak out, enjoy some air, avoiding that stupid cow Yasmin of course. All the best to you X
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Thank you Lynn. I have permission to use the side door (noy usually allowed unless you’re disabled) and I’m going to see my friend Elain. We’ll take a walk in the woods, go back to her place and find some excuse to laugh like lunatics 🙂
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That sounds exactly what you need. I was thinking of you and woods, thinking you could do with that old job of yours back, wandering round some lovely woodland. Hope you have a lovely time. And make sure you so laugh like a lunatic!
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I’ll do that – I promise 🙂
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🙂
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