A mystery

smoke-1615177_1280

while
cities sleep
I sneak into his arms

feel his heart
beating
for me

who
is
he

is he
really here
with
me or

is he
a misty
lingering
spirit

who
but me
(and maybe he)
can say if this is
fiction or
reality

is it a
dream or do I
creep to his room
while cities
sleep

to
you
who read
my truth or fantasy
it’s a mystery
but not
to
me
who
holds this
secret close
and never
lets it
go

©Jane Paterson Basil

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17 thoughts on “A mystery

    1. Imagine this scenario – you’re confronted by someone in the throes of drug psychosis. She thinks all of these things, and more: there are men following her, watching her from the roof, leaving receipts which contain coded threatening messages on the pavements where she walks, there’s a poisoned gas dispenser hidden in a cupboard, the drugs services are poisoning her with toxic vitamin C powder which magically moves across the room when she tips it out, someone’s put worms live under her skin. She rings you up telling you to contact the ministry of defence and tell them to go to a local address. She accuses bank tellers of robbing her, gives the police names of men who she thinks are climbing through locked windows at night and raping her. She writes the name of her dead boyfriend IN BRUISES down her leg, and thinks someone else did it. She gets friends evicted from their homes because she shouts her realities at them in the middle of the night – all of this and so much more which I can’t put in writing.
      Now imagine she’s your daughter. Do you believe those people are doing those things to her? No, all you can do is understand that she believes it, and will continue to do so until she stops taking the chemicals.
      That has been my life. The answers aren’t simple.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can’t say I completely, honestly relate, but coming from a family of dysfunctional people, the alcoholic pedophile dad, the suicided mom, six alcoholic and drug addicted siblings (four now “recovered) and two getting worse by the month) I do have some idea what it must be like. Much worse if it’s your own child. All of civilization is dysfunctional and I think it affects some more than others and they just can’t cope “alone” so they look for “help” where it’s quickest. You’re right: no easy or simple answers, and we have to live with it. Back to self-empowerment… and compassion.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. That’s an enlightening comment. I apologise – I assumed you’d had a cosy life and had never seen the dark side, though I clocked the word ‘kidnapped’ when you gave me your brief history. My respect for you has leapt up a few notches.
          I’ve just re-read Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha – and I’m wishing I could be Siddhartha – sit around smiling and thinking everything is OK.

          Like

          1. There was no need of apology, and I got your own story from it which helps to understand one-another at those deeper, more honest levels. So now when I read your posts I can have a much better idea of what lies beneath those waters. Take care o’ you, Jane.

            Liked by 1 person

    1. I wrote this a while ago and posted it last night because I was in a rush. I hesitated before clicking publish because the poem makes me uneasy. It was meant to be fun, but it betrays a deeper element which must have slipped in subversively.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. She inhabits a terrifying world and must be petrified all the time. We had a neighbour who was very paranoid and delusional, saw things in walls, drew diagrams that were supposed to help, shouted abuse at people because he thought they were murderers. It’s frightening enough to see from the outside, but when it’s someone you love. I just can’t imagine. I’m so sorry Jane. My best goes to you X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s not as bad these days – note: I wrote “this was my life.” Laura stopped taking the disgusting chemicals which did that to her. She’s still using, but engaging with drugs services and trying to pull her life together. When you’ve gone that far down the road it’s not easy.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. No worries. And I don’t understand y my comments are still being found in the spam’ folder of others. Is it my Iphone 6?

        I go the blogs of others and sometimes my comments are still found in the spam. I don’t know y.

        Liked by 1 person

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