Too deep to reach

fish-488082__480.jpg

Doctor
offers drugs.
Maybe soon, I say.
All at once, I understand.
I have been hurled so far,
so hard, that I have sunk
to the very depths.
I am curled on
the sea bed.

Lacking
medication,
I try to speak;
explain my feelings,
but nothing emanates
except silly, silent bubbles,
rising up through dark water,
to blub and break on the surface
far above, where cheating sunlight
hints at the fib of brighter tomorrows,
where rippling faces gaze, concerned,
and gentle hands stretch toward me,
but I am too deep to reach,
too deep to reach.

I
accept
the
m
e
d
i
c
a
t
i
o
n

monster-426994_1280

Β©Jane Paterson Basil

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71 thoughts on “Too deep to reach

    1. I’m afraid so. I’ve hit a wall. My doc cut a lump out of my leg today, and my stupid tears gave him a clue that all is not well. He knew the surgery wouldn’t affect me in that way, and he knows my family history. He’s put me on Quetiapine. I’m pathetic.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Thank you so much. I should have come out from under the blankets and admitted to how I was feeking before. Maybe it wouldn;t have got so bad. But I couldn’t talk about it, somehow. I’m always bragging about how I bounce back. Look πŸ™‚ – I’m smiling!

          Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m on quetiapin, which may have a different name in the US. It knocked me out all last night and today, then an hour or so after I got up (feeling much better) my brother showed up and said he was taking me to the theatre in an hour. We had a great evening.
          Laura’s more well than she’s been for 3-4 years, but I haven’t the strength to talk about Paul.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m chaotic. Eating peculiar food because it’s easy, not getting dressed, not shopping, not going to the gym, breaking my toes (on two occasions), not doing the laundry until I almast run out of clothes. I haven’t bought ANY Christmas presents yet. I manage to get to my voluntary job once a week, but I arrive 2-4 hours late.
      I usually promise to bounce back after a few days, and I succeed. This time I made no promises. I felt the storm coming.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t count the number of times I’ve done that, in my lifetime, or even this year. I’m so tired. I wake up shaking, and the outside pressure doesn’t stop. It drives in at me constantly. A friend hoped to get me sectioned recently, just to give me a rest, but I was pronounced sane.
      I’ve missed everyone here, but I haven’t been able to communicate. If I’m not crying, I’m curled up in a corner, trying to focus on the colours behind my eyes. It helps.
      Maybe I’ll improve after Christmas. I have a horror of Christmas.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, Jane…. fact is, these are hard times for everyone… but it seems you have a bigger portion than others. We miss you and your inspired writing. Never forget: the one behind those spicy, nasty, witty lines is the true you!
        Now, Christmas is behind, and may you be able to come back and pull yourself up together! I’m sending you my Love

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m a lot better now, but exhausted. My sleep pattern has gone to pot; I’ll try to address that tonight. I want to sleep at night, and wake with the dawn. This time has been worse than usual, but I believe that’s a good sign; when life is really tough I have no choice but to pull myself together quickly. Sending you love and a promise of laughter for the New Year.

          Liked by 1 person

  1. Nothing is too fast to reach Jane. When we drive in deep waters the pressure of water pushes us down… but with the natural law of buoyancy and kicking our feet continuously we reach the surface. In the same way accept the medication and fought your way back to the top…. you are a fighter…come on get up. You can’t just give in. The poem is beautiful and so is the arrangement of words… and the most beautiful is YOU…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re so kind. I’m not sure I deserve such generous words, or so much attention.
      Usually I get back up with a lot of help from the likes of wondeful friends such as you. Sometimes I also turn to my two oldest daughters, and my sister. Though they want to help, I don’t like them to see me suffering.
      This time is worse. The pressure on me for the past few months has been criminal (literally), and I’m so tired.
      I will get up, I promise, but I can’t until Christmas is over. Christmas is terrifying.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If Christmas is terrifying then lie low. Have never met you Jane… but feel a bonding with you through your poems and whatever little we get to interact on WP. We all love you, and helping you won’t make us suffer. Your not taking help and suffering alone, is what will cause pain. Family and friends are the best support system a person can have. With family behind you… you can win sure shot. Don’t shy away and don’t suffer alone. You are a loveable person and deserve loads of it. Love you😍😚. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I know I can’t be well without the support of my wonderful WP friends, but I got stuck and I couldn’t talk about it. I’ve sat in the dark every evening for the past three weeks or more, pretending to be out (it could be as long as six weeks, I don’t know) because I couldn’t face seeing anyone. Yesterday was a turnaround. I knew I needed meds, and that I had to get back to WP.
          Thank you for the beautiful message, and thank you for being you. You and my other friends on here make all the difference. xxx

          Liked by 1 person

          1. No need to thank me Jane. Like I said I have never met you… but still love you and care for you and love your writings they are a mirror to your soul. We all are with you for you. You’ll be fine. Just fine. You are a fighter, a survivor. And you won’t go down. Trust me trust yourself. Love you loads😚😚😚😍

            Liked by 1 person

    1. The new site is great. It will be good for my writing, but at the moment, like everything, it’s too much to cope with. I’ve been having difficulty with communicating, but I’m really trying to sort it out.
      You too, have a Happy Christmas.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you’ve agreed to the meds. It sounds like you need them to get you over the hump. I wish I could come and be with you for a while, just to hold and comfort you. Know that you are very loved. Know deep in your heart there are many of us who are here for you. Please take care of YOU – if not for yourself, for the rest of us. Sending you bucketloads of the {{{{good stuff}}}}

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Being back here with you makes a huge difference. I can’t describe my gratitude for the outpouring of love. I’ve missed you all, but I was inable to communicate. I shut myself away from everyone, but a friend practically forced her way into my flat on Sunday, and told me I needed help.
      I feel a lot better today. The meds knocked me out, and I didn’t get up til 4.30 this afternoon.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. People tell me I’m strong, but the abuse is unrelenting. I usually pick myself up after a couple of days. This time it’s worse, but I will recover.
      I’ve been impressed by your blog – you write as if you have no troubles, and, while I don’t know the details, I know that isn’t so. I saw an image of your son a few months ago. You are one of life’s heroes, and I thank you for taking the trouble to read my post and send me an inspiring message.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes we need something to help us back on our feet. Ight no more means that we are weak than a person who needs a crutch to walk when their legs broken. It is not our failure to accept we need help, it is more a failure when we don’t. Hope things improve with time. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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