Panic mode

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At first it was cannabis. Some say it’s not a serious drug, but it hit my two younget children like a disease that races to the bloodstream and keeps on running.  Neither of them had reached sixteen, so the risks were greater. Within a few weeks my son was a stranger who seemed to hate me, and my daughter had receded into the distance.

They became obsessed with the drug, and it was impossible to keep them safe. They rebelled against all rules disappearing in the evening, and trying to stay out all night. It was often hard to track them down. Once we found them at 3am at a party on the beach, stoned out of their heads, and it was difficult to get Paul into the car to take him home. We tried grounding them, but they still snuck out.

Each time we couldn’t find them I panicked.

Later, the police suspected Paul of dealing, and chased him whenever they got the chance. Usually he was too fast for them, but one night he was caught, and landed in court. The criminal justice team got involved, but it didn’t solve the problem. He began experimenting with any drug he could lay his hands on. He became addicted to cocain, and sold it to pay for his toxic fun. I was scared for his welfare, but he didn’t care. He dealt with the cocaine problem by replacing it with heroin.

When I found out about his habit I panicked and confronted him. He denied it, I handled it badly and we ended up quarrelling.

A couple of months later, I learnt that Laura had fallen into the same trap. I panicked, but didn’t let Laura see the state I was in.

Ten years on I’ve lost count of the many times I’ve panicked; rushed around like a fool looking for a cure for my children’s addictions, and trying to help them out of dire situations that they got themselves into. I’ve had gun-toting crack dealers holed up in my attic, heavies threatening to smash my door in, or smash Paul’s face in, and a couple of times they did. I had to mop him up. I’ve been threatened, bullied, conned and robbed by him. I’ve had to turn him in when he was on the run, for his own protection. I’ve refused to smuggle drugs into prison to prevent him from getting a beating. I’ve watched my daughter turn into a skeleton, witnessed her in the grips of screaming psychosis, seen her running in front of moving traffic, been told that her organs were breaking down, and she would die soon, and sometimes I rose into panic mode, while other times I sank silently to the floor, curling up until I could cope with the agony.

I’ve panicked many times over the past fifteen years, but when the worst thing of all occurred, I kept my head. If I hadn’t, my son would have been dead that first time he OD’d. He’d stopped breathing, and I resuscitated him until the paramedics came. I watched as they tried to save him. When the first shot of adrenalin went in, it didn’t work, but I was calm. When the second dose produced no result, I stayed calm. After the third shot, the paramedic told me that it was the last one she could administer. If it didn’t bring him round there was nothing more they could do. I held my breath, but I didn’t panic.

The seconds ticked by. Four paramedics stood in the room. I sat close to Paul’s feet. Across the room were two of my daughters, and my fifteen year old grandson, who shouldn’t have had to see his uncle like that. The room was silent, waiting for a horrific proclamation. Nobody breathed.

My son lay, grey and motionless, on the sofa. Time slipped away, as  he lay still, and we waited.

It happened do fast that we were all thrown backwards. The paramedic who was tending to Paul nearly lost her footing when he leapt into a standing position, inadvertently pulling the canula out of his arm, sending blood spurting up the wall. He stared around him, terrified. He was shouting incoherent accusations at the room. It later transpired that he thought he was being raped, but I had no sympathy for his terror. I didn’t panic. I just screamed blue murder at him for frightening me so much by nearly dying.

I didn’t panic three weeks later, when he OD’d again, but I wouldn’t say I’ve become immune to panic. However, I’ve learnt to control it when it hits me.

The Daily Post #Panicked

©Jane Paterson Basil

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21 thoughts on “Panic mode

  1. Very, very, sorry, to read this … life is a knife’s edge of despair.

    Of course cannabis is a serious drug. Yet it is also a beneficial one. One that helps cure many ailments. Unfortunately, the use of it for recreational purpose, has overshadowed the medical ones. The blackmarket controls drugs, of all sorts. Many fall into the trap. That it caught your boys, demonstrates their addictive personality. Heroin, now contains fentanyl. Here in B.C. it is a huge problem for addicts and even those who claim to be casual users.

    Gambling is also very addictive. Alcohol for the indigenous population is a tragedy. The residential schools of early 20th century decimated already depleted populations. In turn this also led to use of alcohol.

    Some girls become anorexic because of ambition within fashion industry.

    The family Rothschild and Sassoon and others built their empires on drugs and drug running. Do you imagine they gave it up because the British government outlawed it? These days the black market gangs work for them. Slavery is a renewed business.in places like Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Yemen. Body parts for the wealthy, child exploitations of sex and God knows what else.

    It’s the end of the dark age of Kaliyug.

    Wealth brings it’s own addictions Money is worth only the paper or plastic used. The real wealth is in commodity..

    I had my own addiction to overcome. I too have an addictive personality. Many do. It is rising above them, that are the real victories. God’s love, is very real and will bring strength for anyone. Cheers Jamie.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It could be said that we are addicts of one sort or another. There’s a difference between addiction and obsession, though it may be hard to define the fine line. I define addiction as a habit that is hardwired into the brain by chemicals. These chemicals may be produced by the brain, or come from outside sources, and they cause us to put the addiction – whether it be for sex, drugs, gambling or whatever – above our need for food and shelter.
      I have great admiration fo those who overcome their addictions. They usually see life from a clearer perspective. I should have guessed that you had fought and won such a battle. Bravo Jamie.
      I’m for legalisation of drugs. Take them off the street and put them in the pharmacies. Fight the Black Market and the Dark Web. Take away the need for addicts to steal and prostitute themselves to feed their habit. Make them part of our communities. Give out prescriptions for clean drugs, and increase spending on drug rehab.
      That covers street drugs to some extent, but I don’t know what we can do about alcohol. It’s one of the most dangerous drugs of all, as it’s used as a rite of passage, like it’s clever to swig it down. .
      I come from a long line of alcoholics, and there’s alcoholism in the generation below me…
      Deepest respect to you, Jamie.
      Jane.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I only listed a few of the highlights 🙂
      It’s like weightlifting. If you keep at it, your muscles grow – and I was given little choice but to gain strength. I considered having a total collapse and being taken away by men in white coats, but it’s not in my nature. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We never know how things would have panned out though whether you’d have been with him out not 😦 You can’t shoulder all the blame. You’ve seen down the drugs block and know what goes on more than me, but isn’t it often the case of friends they keep and the curious personality type? I reckon I could have went down that path had it not been for my company. Who knows though.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. If you take a group of teenagers who are all experimenting with drugs, and speak to their parents individually, each parent will say that their child has been led astray by bad company. So who’s leading, and who’s following? Usually they walk into it side by side. Most people are attracted to those with similar desires.
          The lives of my two younger children were blighted by their father’s shocking. deliberate inconsistancy, while my older two were constantly belittled by him, yet I didn’t have the courage to leave him.
          All this self=blame was triggered by today’s word prompt, “lifestyle”… I thought I’d moved on…

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Good question about being led astray. For me, I’d have to be willing to be led. I can’t talk for others though. Good for you for breaking from him eventually. I don’t know the story but sorry you went through it.

            Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s been hard, but I never forget that many parents suffer in similar ways.
      Millions of lives are destroyed by drugs. If I had a magic wand…
      Thank you for reading, and for your warm response.

      Like

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