Debt

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In school, she dreams of giant leaps
…………so high that they bely belief.
Her hopes attend her as she sleeps
…………not knowing life, or fear or grief,
but as she grows the dreams are lost
…………beneath her stretching body’s needs
She pays no heed to future cost,
…………but follows fast where freedom leads.

Without a thought, she walks a trail
………..which leads to failures’s dark abyss,
her careless steps keen to travail,
…………and welcome each caress and kiss.
Behind her, childhood hopes are shed,
…………abandoned in the rush of will.
Before she knows it, she is wed,
…………to one whose heart she can’t fulfil.

She births two children, lacking base
…………for homely domesticity.
Her passion dead, she turns her face
…………toward a dank duplicity.
Another man steals her away –
…………a turncoat twisted to the core;
and though she rues her cruel affray,
………..yet she bears two children more.

Diminished by each subtle trick
…………designed to overthrow her mind,
she wakes each morning feeling sick,
…………too weak a brighter path to find.
Her mother’s death shakes her awake,
…………reminding her that life is short.
Determined now to make a break
…………she packs her bags without a thought.

She journeys long in dusty hope
…………oft tripped up by past errors,
holding fast a knotted rope
…………that’s tangled by her terrors,
whilst even as she climbs, she knows
…………she must unpick the troubles wrought
by all her childrens deepening woes,
………..and all the battles never fought.

If she had seen her fool’s lifestyle
…………would cause such trauma for her kin,
she may have paused in thought awhile
…………and not have let the evil in,
but she was young, and didn’t see
………..the harm her carelessness could cause…
The fool that lived so blind was me;
………. too cowardly to fight my wars.

I earned the grief, and every day, I aim to teach a better way.
Whatever kindly friends may say, I must try my debt to pay.

.

The Daily Post #Lifestyle

©Jane Paterson Basil

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15 thoughts on “Debt

    1. My poem makes no excuses and gives no reason for my mistakes, though there is a lot more to the story – there always is. My troubles began when I reached puberty (I was 10), and my father backtracked on all he’d taught me (I could be whatever I wanted, etc.), and groomed me to be an object of sex, though I didn’t fully realise it til I wrote a memoir of my formative years, in 2015. It’s all very confusing even now.
      I didn’t know where I belonged in the world, and tried to be whatever I was expected to be, while at the same time my individuality was always poking out. The fact is, men couldn’t resist me. They all wanted to bloody marry me, for gawd’s sake. It happens even now. If I share a joke with a man, he gets ideas. It’s very limiting. I don’t want all that crap.
      Yes, I’ve been harsh on myself. If you like, you can call it poetic licence, or you can say I’m a slave to my art – to the point where I’m prepared to hang, draw and quarter myself.
      The truth is, I feel unworthy of the kind things my friends say. I ain’t no angel, though I’m trying to be;)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. But Jane, you ARE an angel, just a bit scruffy around the edges. Like the rest of us too 🙂 We all carry a lot of shit from whatever life has thrown at us. But what you are, is resilient, kind, motivated, interesting, funny, courageous, loving, caring, clever – and I don’t much care what you think of all that. I KNOW it to be true! So there 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I felt the need to share the terrible mistake I made, and then got trapped in. I did my best back then, but I wish I’d had the strength to leave the father of my two younger children. He chipped away at me to the point where I didn’t think I could survive alone. I thought I was useless. I feel I’ve made great strides since I left him, and I’ve become a far stronger, better person – the person I always wanted to be.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just know we all make mistakes (you are definitely not alone). We learn, we grow and hopefully our family as well as ourselves will learn from our lessons. When we turn those difficulties into lessons we share with others, you truly are being the person you always wanted to be… You have grown.

        Liked by 1 person

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