HOT OFF THE PRESS: What shall we do with the drunken seagull

Locals were confused when a seagull fell of a roof and staggered unevenly away.

Onlookers couldn’t understand the reason why so many seagulls had become unsteady on their feet.

Today, a fireman was alerted to the shocking truth by a a seagull who threw up on him; he immediately detected the odour of booze.

You’ve guessed it; it’s the latest of a spate of drunken seagull incidents, currently hitting the South West of England. This time rather than casually supping from half-empty beer cans which litter our beaches and parks, they’ve turned to blatant theft, mounting a cunning attack on a Somerset brewery.

An unreliable witness (me) claims that seagulls have been spotted wing-in-wing, merrily careening down the High Street, singing “Show me the way to go home”, and slurring “Ingerland, Ingerland, la la la, la la la,” before inexplicably balling their claws into fists and, shouting obscenities and clumsily hitting each other.

There are complaints that intoxicated seagulls are getting into fights outside these establishments, demanding half-eaten burgers and kebabs, then refusing to pay for them.

They muscle into night clubs and peck women’s rear ends. When they are finally thrown out, they tend to bring up their burgers, kebabs and a gallon of alcohol all over the doorman’s feet, before collapsing on the pavement for a cry. They tell anybody who will listen that their mother didn’t love them (judging by juvenile seagull behaviour, it’s no wonder). It’s best not to get involved with a drunken seagull at this stage; he’ll probably tell you you’re the only person who has ever understood him, and he’ll want to go home with you. When you refuse, he’ll punch you in the face.

I took the opportunity to interview a few fledgling seagulls outside one of the Bristol Universities. I asked them how they felt about the behaviour of their elders.

One said, “It’s so embarrassing. We are losing all respect in the eyes of the world.” She asked me to point out that the incidents of drunkenness were few and far between.

Another stuttered “If you don’t give me that can of beer in your hand I’ll peck your eyes out.” Then he fell over.

None of the others I spoke to were prepared to talk, mainly because they can’t – so most of this post is lies.

One thing is true – we have an alcohol problem in the South West seagull community. Unfortunately, I suspect that when a few seagulls discover a new attraction, word gets around. I think we’ll soon be hearing about all over the country.

The latest crowd of rowdy good-for-nothings have been rounded up by the animal police and placed in drunk tanks until they can learn to behave with the dignity we expect from the seagull population.

For the true story click HERE.

©Jane Paterson Basil

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29 thoughts on “HOT OFF THE PRESS: What shall we do with the drunken seagull

  1. Oh I read the Bristol newspaper article, however I much preferred your informative eyewitness first-hand report on the dreadful situation. Such a comprehensive account of this drunken and disorderly behaviour of these disgusting seagulls xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s the fledglings I fear for 🙂

      Seriously, It could become a problem for the seagull population, and the crows could follow suit. They’re intelligent enough to know what to look for. Humans are to blame for this, with their messy wastefulness. For a few weeks now, people around my town have been seeing seagulls staggering about and falling off roofs, but we didn’t know why until now.

      Like

    1. Love the video, but what’s wrong with Royal Enfields? Has that man got no romance in his soul? I’d choose a good old British bike that has to be tinkered with before every trip down to the bikers’ coffee bar, every time. Kawasaki? All you do with that is turn the ignition and it goes like a dream all the way from John O’Groats to Lands End. Hmm… on second thoughts…

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  2. I thought this was a completely made-up story, but goes to show you… truth is stranger than fiction 😉 Your post made me smile. Hope they figure out what is causing the problem. You never know what a drunken bird might do…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We strangely have some seagulls around here. They seemed to have somehow stopped by at some point and decided to stay. I only used to see them in California. Now they linger around the local ponds. Seems so out of place… especially with snow on the ground!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my Lord! LMAO! I really do think you should have a regular feature on your blog once a week called HOT OFF THE PRESS where you write as a journalist about any and everything! It would be hilarious and a huge hit. I LOVED this!

    Home the way to go show…
    I’m bed and I wanna go to tired…
    Had a little hour ’bout a drink ago
    and it head right to my went.
    No matter where I roam,
    on sea or land or foam.
    You can always hear me songin’ this sing,
    Home me the way to go show!😁😜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When we were kids, during the holidays we all joined my mum on her regular market-day foray into town. We occasionally staggered down the streets singing that song, acting drunk. Mum was very stoic about it 🙂 😀 In later years, I occasionally did the same thing with my alcoholic uncle Robert, a mad Scotsman who fed me cider when the more responsible adults weren’t around.

      I’d love to do a silly journalistic piece once a week, but I’m not good with routine…

      Liked by 1 person

        1. You’ve inspired me. I’ll try to get a routine going. I was organised until the kids went into freefall. Things are a lot better now. Paul needs me at odd, often awkward times, but he plans to go to college in Autumn. which should move his life forward. Time to think about me.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. No, you-know-who is fine. He’s coming round to cook me a meal this evening 🙂 Though I poked fun at the seagulls, I feel sorry for them too. They’re a protected species, but folks hate them, blaming them for their behaviour, when it’s our fault. They used to stay mostly out at sea, following shoals of fishes and chasing trawlers for easy pickings. When folks took to littering our parks and roads with discarded food, the seagulls came inland. They slowly became more brave, until they were grab food from people’s hands. Now our messiness has introduced them to booze. Shame on the human race.

      Like

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