The Tears I Waste on You

You besmirched this mother’s love
with every chunk of scum that you could scrape up
from the murky lanes.
You crushed me with the weight of waste
until your insults filled my soul with so much pain
that I could no more bare to gaze upon your face
or glance into your eyes, or hear the lies
that dripped from lips whose smiles
once brought me mindless joy.
I’ve closed my door and turned away;
no more can you abuse, manipulate
or scream your dirty words of hate at me.
The tears I waste on you
will all be shed in secret and in shame;
I will never let you see them,
for if you did you’d use them as you do;
to stuff my shelves with toxic space and steal the gain.

I’ll dance in gardens where my finest flowers bloom;
admire their colours, breathe their sweet perfume.
I’ll tell my friends the sturdy stems have healed my wounds;
they do not need to know I ache for you.

The day might come when empathy sinks through your skin;
should that blazing dawn arrive
I recommend you pray that I shall be awake,
and furthermore that I
shall clearly recognise the change.

©Jane Paterson Basil

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16 thoughts on “The Tears I Waste on You

    1. Having said that, I’m grateful to many family members who do all they can to hold me up – daughters, grandchildren, brothers and nephew. I also have supportive friends both on and offline. I need to remember how lucky I am in that way.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I’m so sorry Jane. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. Concentrate on your other flowers. Their beauty may soften the pain a little. My thoughts are always with you, take care of yourself, much love Lynn x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lynn. If I had appendicitis I’d have the offending organ removed, to prevent it from destroying me. Afterwards it would probably be painful for a while, but I’d recover. I need to think of this excision in the same way xx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve tried so many times but he always weazelled his way back in. It’s been 3 weeks since I threw him out. His bail conditions ban him from contact with me and when they’re no longer in place he’ll have a restriction order. It’s a huge relief, but that doesn’t stop me from grieving the loss of a son who could have had such a different life.

      Liked by 1 person

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