Tag Archives: childish humour

How to get invited to tea with the Queen


If you’ve done something very brave – Maybe you caught a spider in your friend’s house, and put it outside for them, or rang someone’s doorbell to warn them that their house was on fire – and the Queen gets to hear about it, she may invite you for tea.

Her Majesty also likes to have tea with people who are very clever. You may think that so many clever things have been done that there’s nothing left for you to do, but you would be wrong. Here’s a sample list of things you could do if you want to enjoy the pleasure of the Queen’s company:

  • Make nuclear arms ‘armless.
  • Invent a really nice chocolate which doesn’t make you feel sick when you eat lots of it.
  • Make de-forestation stop.
  • Bring back the Dodo and teach it how to survive this time round.
  • Complete the difficult puzzle that’s sitting on my shelf – although I’m not sure it hasn’t been done before, it seems doubtful, as it’s really Very Difficult.
  • Make Donald Trumpelstiltskin go away.
  • Invent a new kind of knickers that are nicer than all the other knickers that have been made – it’s a well documented fact that the Queen likes nice knickers. More information on this subject can be found if you click HERE.

The other kind of people she likes to invite round to her palace are people who are very kind. Maybe you could Achieve World Peace. That kind of thing usually gets Her Majesty’s attention.

Just for good measure, here’s a list of things which probably won’t get you an invitation from the queen, either because they’re Bad Things, or because they’ve already been done.

  • Remembering to brush your teeth at least twice EVERY day.
  • Inventing a flower that never blooms.
  • Winning a Miss World contest. You may think it’s clever, but it’s not. It’s Just Plain Silly.
  • Helping an old person across the road when they wanted to stay where they were.
  • Baking a perfect souffle.
  • Telling the man with a pair of tights over his face and a bulging sack over his shoulder (who’s just run out of the bank and looks as if he’s in a hurry) that you’ll give him a lift to wherever he needs to go.
  • Travelling around the world in a one metre boat made of matchsticks.
  • Winning an eating contest at your local burger bar.
  • Inventing the wheel/telephone/internet/banoffee pie
  • Breaking into the palace to prove it can be done. Nobody likes a cleverdick.

Getting an invitation from the Queen is Very Exciting, but also a little overwhelming. You may feel rather nervous at the prospect of having a conversation with Her Majesty, but remember she’s good at talking to common folk like us. She can talk down to us and we don’t even notice – we just think she’s Being Nice, so there’s no need to worry on that score.

If you are unlucky, the date and time of the Royal Tete-a-tete may clash with a dental appointment, in which case the correct etiquette is to ring the dental surgery, and ask for an alternative appointment. Bear in mind that although the dental appointment was made before the invite to the Palace, the Visit to the Queen takes priority – after all, Her Royal Highness is a Very Important Person Indeed. Sending her a text saying “soz ur r.h.ness cant make this wed how about fri.” is considered a Very Poor Show, and is likely to Scupper Your Chance of a Cup of Rosie Lee in Buck House.

Unfortunately,  when my invitation arrived it did indeed coincide with a dental appointment, and, unlike you, I had no-one to give me Practical  Advice. The Queen didn’t text me back. The dentist telling me that I didn’t need any fillings hardly compensated for missing out on a date with the Queen.

Being the first person to travel around the world in a one metre boat made of matchsticks had been a complete waste of time. Perhaps I’ll have a go at achieving world peace if I don’t get pipped at the post by someone else who wants to have tea with the Queen.

One last thing – If you recieve that Prestigious Invitation, dress formally, but do not try to upstage the Queen. Avoid pastel colours – it would be embarrassing if you wore a primrose yellow suit and walked in to find her in the same colour. Pay Particular Attention to your underwear, and particularly  your knickers. They should be attractive and Very Unusual – if the conversation flags, you can always revive it by showing them to her. I believe I mentioned that the Queen likes knickers.

©Jane Paterson Basil


Down the pan


When surrounded by Chaos, a large Cardboard Box, if used in the correct manner, as described below, will generally Restore Order.

There are two methods of Order Restoration via a Cardboard Box. They are called Cardboard box Order Restoration Method (a) and Cardboard Box Order Restoration (b).* Don’t ask me why – they just are.

Cardboard box Order Restoration Method (a)

  1. Place every non-essential item you own in Cardboard Box.
  2. Take to charity shop.
  3. Go home to find Order Restored.

Cardboard Box Order Restoration Method (b)

  1. Take Cardboard Box and 1 set of clean underwear to remote woodland with freshwater stream running through it.
  2. Live in Cardboard Box. Keep spare underwear neatly folded in corner of Box.
  3. Forage for food.
  4. Regularly wash self and underwear in the stream.
  5. Climb trees. It’s fun and healthy.
  6. Make friends with the local cheesemakers. Offer them blackberries in exchange for cheese. Cheese is rich in protein and calcium, not that you care – you eat it because it’s delicious.
  7. If foraging doesn’t yield enough food for survival, ask the cheesemakers if they have any paid work available. Failing that, get a job in the local pub.
  8. Once you have a job you may choose to live somewhere that has room for you to stand up and walk around, with a roof that doesn’t fall apart at the first sign of rain.
  9. You may also require loads of cheap new clothes from Primark that you realise you don’t like as soon as you get them home.
  10. Buy an excess of kitchen equipment, furniture, ornaments, state-of-the-art electronic goods with lots of buttons and alarms and lights, and a rather unusual vintage item which is made of wood and painted with a coat of with flaking green paint. When you see it in the charity shop you will fall instantly in love with it, though you won’t know what it is. The vulunteer assistant will tell you she thinks it’s an excessively ornate hat stand, but you’ll have a feeling it’s an innefficient tool for removing mud from the underside of horse-drawn carriages, while your landlady may later claim her great aunt Maud had one, handed down from her father’s side, and she used it for milking the neighbours’ sheep at night, when nobody was looking.
  11. Have a good night out once in a while.
  12. Go on, put on those beer goggles. You know you want to.
  13. Spot a man you wouldn’t like if you were sober, in a nightclub you wouldn’t like if you were sober.
  14. Drag his attention away from a semi-naked pole-dancer by purchasing a triple Jack Daniels at the bar, wedging the glass between your breasts and inviting him to lap it up.
  15. As soon as you’ve reach the point where you can remember both his nickname (Pervy Pete, Dead-end Dan, Pongo…) and his surname, assume it must be true love, and invite him to move in with you. Don’t be put off by the fact that he never calls you by your name – it’s probably not that he can’t remember it, but everyone calls you Aisha and he likes to have his own special name for you. He calls you Boobs. Sooo sweet…
  16. Get a spare set of keys cut, and give them to him.
  17. Let him bring all his state-of-the-art electronic equipment, his three-wheeled atrocity of steel and rusty iron that he got from a charity shop (it could be some kind of prototype domestic robot, though it looks more like a commode with the recepticle fitted upside down and a blunt spike attached, or a  weird sadistic sex toy) his manacles, his whips, his – huh? Wait a minute.
  18. At this point it would be prudent to obtain a large cardboard box. This box can be used in one of two ways…

*It’s best to try Method (a) first, as Method (b) doesn’t work and is therefore more suited to those who are practicing for a chaos marathon. For more information about Method (b) click Here

©Jane Paterson Basil