If you’ve done something very brave – Maybe you caught a spider in your friend’s house, and put it outside for them, or rang someone’s doorbell to warn them that their house was on fire – and the Queen gets to hear about it, she may invite you for tea.
Her Majesty also likes to have tea with people who are very clever. You may think that so many clever things have been done that there’s nothing left for you to do, but you would be wrong. Here’s a sample list of things you could do if you want to enjoy the pleasure of the Queen’s company:
- Make nuclear arms ‘armless.
- Invent a really nice chocolate which doesn’t make you feel sick when you eat lots of it.
- Make de-forestation stop.
- Bring back the Dodo and teach it how to survive this time round.
- Complete the difficult puzzle that’s sitting on my shelf – although I’m not sure it hasn’t been done before, it seems doubtful, as it’s really Very Difficult.
- Make Donald Trumpelstiltskin go away.
- Invent a new kind of knickers that are nicer than all the other knickers that have been made – it’s a well documented fact that the Queen likes nice knickers. More information on this subject can be found if you click HERE.
The other kind of people she likes to invite round to her palace are people who are very kind. Maybe you could Achieve World Peace. That kind of thing usually gets Her Majesty’s attention.
Just for good measure, here’s a list of things which probably won’t get you an invitation from the queen, either because they’re Bad Things, or because they’ve already been done.
- Remembering to brush your teeth at least twice EVERY day.
- Inventing a flower that never blooms.
- Winning a Miss World contest. You may think it’s clever, but it’s not. It’s Just Plain Silly.
- Helping an old person across the road when they wanted to stay where they were.
- Baking a perfect souffle.
- Telling the man with a pair of tights over his face and a bulging sack over his shoulder (who’s just run out of the bank and looks as if he’s in a hurry) that you’ll give him a lift to wherever he needs to go.
- Travelling around the world in a one metre boat made of matchsticks.
- Winning an eating contest at your local burger bar.
- Inventing the wheel/telephone/internet/banoffee pie
- Breaking into the palace to prove it can be done. Nobody likes a cleverdick.
Getting an invitation from the Queen is Very Exciting, but also a little overwhelming. You may feel rather nervous at the prospect of having a conversation with Her Majesty, but remember she’s good at talking to common folk like us. She can talk down to us and we don’t even notice – we just think she’s Being Nice, so there’s no need to worry on that score.
If you are unlucky, the date and time of the Royal Tete-a-tete may clash with a dental appointment, in which case the correct etiquette is to ring the dental surgery, and ask for an alternative appointment. Bear in mind that although the dental appointment was made before the invite to the Palace, the Visit to the Queen takes priority – after all, Her Royal Highness is a Very Important Person Indeed. Sending her a text saying “soz ur r.h.ness cant make this wed how about fri.” is considered a Very Poor Show, and is likely to Scupper Your Chance of a Cup of Rosie Lee in Buck House.
Unfortunately, when my invitation arrived it did indeed coincide with a dental appointment, and, unlike you, I had no-one to give me Practical Advice. The Queen didn’t text me back. The dentist telling me that I didn’t need any fillings hardly compensated for missing out on a date with the Queen.
Being the first person to travel around the world in a one metre boat made of matchsticks had been a complete waste of time. Perhaps I’ll have a go at achieving world peace if I don’t get pipped at the post by someone else who wants to have tea with the Queen.
One last thing – If you recieve that Prestigious Invitation, dress formally, but do not try to upstage the Queen. Avoid pastel colours – it would be embarrassing if you wore a primrose yellow suit and walked in to find her in the same colour. Pay Particular Attention to your underwear, and particularly your knickers. They should be attractive and Very Unusual – if the conversation flags, you can always revive it by showing them to her. I believe I mentioned that the Queen likes knickers.
©Jane Paterson Basil