Peace: remix

I searched for peace inside a hollow wall,
where laughing echoes twisted into cries
of agony and fear which wrung my soul —
they flung me down and stole my will to rise.

With shaking hand I wrote my name in blood
extracted from this pulsing heart of mine,
then slowly scribed my story on the wall
and as I wrote, the words turned into rhyme.

My messages on concrete changed to wine
which sweetened with each kindly, warm reply —
each friendly sentence penned in dappled hues,
that blotted out the dank of times gone by.

As moon will fade and sun will take its place,
you led me out of dark and showed me light,
you gave me strength and eased the searing ache,
and now, when demons rise, I stand and fight.

The original version of this poem was in blank verse; I posted it a few hours ago. They’re both written in iambic pentameter, but this one has a formal end-rhyme to it. It’s meant to be an improvement, but I’m not sure how well it works, so instead of editing my original poem, I decided to post this separately. I’d be grateful to know which you prefer. You can find the original HERE.

©Jane Paterson Basil

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “Peace: remix

  1. I enjoy this second rewrite. There’s a more Serious Tone, Conveyance, I hear and read with this edition. The first, for more me was Whimsical, but the second , for me reads/hears more in-depth withe feelings and Emotions. If any if this makes sense. 😎😎😎🥀🥀🥀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s an interesting response, and yes, it makes sense. With the first poem I was focusing on getting the meter perfect, and trying to avoid rhyme. The depth of the poem didn’t matter so much, as long as it sounded the way I wanted it to. With the rewrite, I thought harder about the point I was making.
      Thanks for giving me your thoughts on this.

      Like

    1. Thank you for your response. Maybe I should use enjambment more often. I was wondering that just before I posted today’s poem, but in the end I left it fairly straight. The subject matter may be painful enough without adding more needles.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s